Coming soon.

Something that binds us all together: the experience of Grief and Loss. It's a weight we carry; a journey that feels non-linear and senseless.

Soulmates act as mirrors, offering an opportunity for profound learning. Tell me, if I desire Love… will I be just given Love? Or given the opportunity to Love?

In the midst of the pain, an opportunity emerges to heal the wounds left by my Father & my Mother. Mirrors reflecting my tone, defensiveness, and the relationship between my emotional and physical self become crystal clear. An opportunity… to find my Voice, my Dance, my People, and my Ancestors. An opportunity to heal abandonment and attachment wounds. An opportunity for boundaries and clarity. An opportunity for deeper levels of Love-Making. An opportunity to step into a new era of Wholeness. An opportunity to remember that we can deeply Love and care for the things that we can’t have. An opportunity to Create.

The pain alchemizes into a gift, revealing illusion: the children we didn't get to raise, the home we didn't get to build, the depths of love left undiscovered, the adventures we lost, dances together are now dances alone, dreams destroyed, sacred union that isn’t real, art we didn’t create, ways we won’t grow… grieving not just the loss of Her, but also the life that we didn’t get to live.

 

Loss. Loss. Loss. Friends. Grandparents. Nephew. Beloved. Illusions. Aspects of Self. It all dies. Each new day brings forward loss… and a palpable fear - not of death - but of ending up alone, unheard and unseen.

 

The only way out, is through the pain. Feeling it all. They don’t tell you how much it will hurt to feel. And the Grief comes in waves. I’m unsure if we ever really stop carrying it. We Grieve the weight of the World, together, every day.

 

In these constant endings, lies growth, discovery, and healing. Birth. Creation. New. Every loss is a step into the light; revealing shadows and teaching valuable lessons. Life is delicate; a constant balance between loss and creation.

Love is fragile, a flame. Don’t let it burn out of control, and don’t let it flicker out. Dear Flame Tender - Be careful with your Love, and tend to your delicate flame… for once it's gone, you may never have it again.

Perhaps the greatest risk we take is to Love… to connect deeply with another human being. 

Perhaps there is no other-half of me; I’m both disillusioned, and Whole - scars from no longer bleeding wounds.

Wading in the Grief, I constantly unveil parts of my Self.

 

I am defined by my Heart. And Life will continue without me.

 

Oh Grief, we build Temples to hold and move you. It takes great courage to be with you.

 

The risk of Love has to involve Heartbreak, doesn’t it?

 

Grief, old friend, thank you for the wisdom in your pain.

I have been grappling with intense feelings of a powerful emotion: Anger.

My anger burns hot and feels dangerous, yet at the same time it can be empowering. In a world where anger is often seen as unacceptable, the question of what to do with it and how it can be useful is becoming increasingly relevant to me. It can be a challenge to navigate our emotions, especially those that are considered taboo or unacceptable in society. I'm learning that anger can be a catalyst for growth and change, if we are willing to face it head on.

Anger is a feeling that has been a constant presence in my life, stemming from a variety of sources - things like; my relationship with my family, past experiences of bullying, conflicts with friends and co-workers. I am also deeply impacted by larger societal issues, from the systemic injustices in our world, to hyper-capitalism and the pressure to constantly be "doing" instead of simply "being."

My anger has been a powerful force in my life, and I've realized it's essential to acknowledge it, process it, and channel it in a productive way. It's not always easy, and it's crucial for my own growth and well-being. I'm grateful for the moments where I've been able to confront my anger and understand the roots of it. I’m grateful for friends that shine a light on my Shadow. By naming my anger, feeling it fully, and moving through it, I have been able to transform my relationship with this emotion. This has allowed me to find a way to use it as a source of strength and motivation.

I understand that everyone's experience with Anger is unique. I hope you can discover a healthy relationship with your Anger. I hope you find yourself un-afraid to feel your emotions fully and completely. I hope you are able to find support in community, and work through your own feelings of anger in a transformative way.

A nugget around “Identity” that has come through in my writing during this cocooning period grieving five deaths of those that I love this year.

In a way, I get to choose my identity (my identity of Self). And I don’t (how others identify me). For a large chunk of my 20’s, I was especially grappling with my identity. Not sure who I really was, how I fit in this world, what’s mine to do, or how I want to be. My identity was largely formed during those years based on my perception of how others would like to see or experience me.

Integrity is very much so tied to how I identify. If I think something about myself, yet don’t actually move in that way… then I just feel like I’m full of shit.

In my 20’s, I recall a day where it felt like my identity was totally split:

I started a day waking up in a car, in the dead of winter, without a home. I’m a homeless man.

I made a couple moves to make money. I’m a hustler.

I do drugs throughout my day. I’m an addict.

I make love with a woman. I’m a lover.

I share something with a friend. They fill in the blanks and reflect a story that isn’t true. I don’t correct them, because they like the story they made up. And so they like me. I’m lonely.

I go to the library to program and try to build a business. I’m an entrepreneur.

Throughout my day, I don’t really know who I am, or what I’m doing, or why. I’m lost.

I cry myself to sleep. I’m in pain.

I abruptly awake. I draw in a notebook, and write in my diary. I’m an artist.

Before I fall asleep again, a white owl flys into my window. I am Spirit. To this day, I carry the question…. “Who am I?”.

Now, my answer is always the same.

"I am.”

The less I label, or identify myself internally, the more I allow myself to just be, as I am, without shame, fear, or guilt. Call me whatever you want; I am just a messy human, wading his way through life, one moment at a time… exploring, embracing, learning, growing, changing…. Constantly. My identity is a moving target.

I will be sitting with this topic a lot more. I want to get more clarity around my identity and what that means to me. This is what’s alive for me right now.

What does ‘identity’ mean to you?

Who are you?

I’ve both felt, and been reflected to, that I’m a very sensitive human being. This felt like a problem for more than half of my life. Now, I know it's not a “problem” - rather, more of a super power. And, something that can be developed.

As I’ve moved through the world, it’s apparent to me that there is generally this black and white, gender-based way of thinking about sensitivity in Men and Women.

I see Sensitivity as personal - shaped by experiences and a willingness to embrace emotions.

My journey isn't a pursuit of happiness. To me, it’s all a path to FEELING MORE. Attuning moment-to-moment to what is happening, both inside and outside of myself. It's about embracing every emotion, sensation, and being present with what is. Not avoiding, hiding, or numbing – but rather, integration.

I've experienced leaning in to my especially challenging feelings, and moments, as a path to Harmony. There-in lies my work deepening my intuition, my knowing, my truth, and my connectedness.

This weekend, amidst the mountains and stars, late into the evening and early morning, a deeply intimate and passionate moment with my Beloved was disrupted as a candle we had lit flickered out. There was no wind. It felt very strange. Uncomfortable. We couldn’t name why, or reason it out- but something felt eery and ominous. The energy was disruptive.

Unsettled the next morning, it paralleled a somber truth: my 17 year old nephew's passing.

Was this a connection, or coincidence?

I lean in to these moments to delve deeper; seeking truth and meaning. I faced it all, feeling intensely within my practices, partnership, family, the unseen, and community.

And, I'm noticing that the grief I carry isn't just mine – it's really a shared weight. It's taken quite some awareness to discern what is mine, what's not, and what is OURS. It's bewildering, enlightening, inspiring, and painful.

Through embracing feelings, and becoming more attuned to myself and others, I'm crafting a profound connection with life's enigmatic facets.

His death has been a gift; revealing the depths of my relationships, and the depths of my Heart.

It's transformed our family.

His child will still be born.

We will Love her, so deeply.

And, we get to walk every day... carrying him with us.

Thank you for reading. x

 

"I’ve attended many funerals this year. All of them were mine." - Emma Zeck

 

My Rose painting is finished.  It is called “LXNN”. A 12x12 inch oil painting on wood panel. The original is off to a private collection.

This piece is imprinted with Consciousness, Energy & Love that will span generations. This piece is about Love, Presence, & Emotion. The Divine Feminine & Masculine. I offered it as a gift to all that is a Sacred. Many parts of me died with this piece. And many parts will live on.

I will be offering limited edition prints of LXNN soon. Stay tuned.

I’m noticing so many helpful and beautiful lessons being reflected through both new and old friends lately. They remind me that my Love is my Love, and I will express it how I need to. They remind me how painting is my most pure form of expression. It’s such deep, Sacred Work… my Art. Really in all it’s forms- writing, painting, animation, pictures/videos, experiences, my Life… I think a piece of my Spirit gets infused into any of my physical Art manifestations, and people can literally have it. They can feel it, experience it- far beyond my lifetime. And theirs. So, the more I show up and give to my Art from this place of Sacred Love, the more I’m noticing it’s impact and effect on others, the World, My World... in how it’s received.

Reflections.

 

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I have been spending SO. MUCH. TIME. Just Being with Mother Nature lately. Wandering, playing, feeling, sitting. It’s a place true nourishment.

Where this flower picture was taken, has been my Sit Spot for the past few years. I’ve been meeting with the same rock here, every season; Watching the land, animals, seasons- Mother Earth- change. Just as I have been witnessing myself changing with Her. This place was the first place I wandered after moving to Colorado years ago. I feel so grounded & connected at this specific location. I’ve worked through and felt into A LOT, right here, on a freaking rock. I experience visions, messages, downloads, stillness, wonder… everything happens here. And nothing happens here.

What I feel into, becomes expressed through my Artwork, Creativity, & Gifts that I offer the World.

I’ve been coming here almost every day lately. Sit & Feel. Move & Feel. Feel. And while this Spot will always hold a special place in my Heart, I think it’s time to Witness & Connect with the Mother somewhere else.

I think every year now, I’ll find a new Sit Spot, and be with the changing seasons there... Allowing new energy, perspectives, and lessons to come through. To see what comes alive in different areas of the Land.

I think I'm starting to fully Show Up in my life right now. And it's looking like a whole New World. I have been watching literally zero TV; avoiding numbing out pretty much at all in any form, over the past few months. I’ve been mostly just painting, playing music, reading, practicing, learning, connecting with humans, and spending time with Mother Nature. Being here with whatever comes in each moment. I'm not chasing any thing or anyone. No dreams or illusions. I don't need to. I just need to Be Here, Now. And so, I'm free.

 

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Waking up to 'Consciousness' in this way has made quitting cigarettes pretty easy. It’s been my last remaining ‘vice’ for a while now. I’ve tried multiple times over the past decade to stop, and it always felt impossible. I especially couldn't handle the cravings then.

So even with the whirlwind of emotions I’ve been experiencing this year- just being able to notice my body, cravings, impulses- and take my Awareness elsewhere, remembering to be present- has made all the difference. This is a 10 year…. Generational habit I’m breaking… and it has felt so aligned and easeful. Deeper understanding of the Self and shifting perspectives has helped too. I won’t ever smoke anything ever again. It’s literally traumatic for me to smoke, because it is tied to really negative childhood experiences of mine.

So now, I'm back in a space of having no dependence on anything but myself and love to function. It is freaking liberating. From now on, I’ll just be keeping some tea around.

I remember frequently to maintain awareness around where my awareness is (ya, that's confusing); but that is kind of the first step of depth. It’s quite simple, for example: Is my awareness on my friend or partner's dissatisfaction; my failings; what I want, but I’m not getting? … Or is my awareness on the depth of this moment; sensations in my body; and beauty of life all around me?

In the Spirit of being Seen; I did a prayer with my bodyworker a day or two after this 2nd awakening around the Divine Feminine and Forgiveness / My Experience. It was terrifying, and mystical. I’m grateful for how she held space for us to do this. She stood in front of me, while I was on my knees, speaking from my Heart. I gave her a stone to hold. It was healing- to bring what I had seen and learned to someone else. It's seeming as if nothing is actually real unless it's shared.

After the prayer, during our session, we were working on a spot on my leg that I had injured when hiking recently. I ran harder than I have in a very long time, moving some of the pain and emotions I was feeling around my last relationship. When she was putting pressure on this spot, I could feel it connected to my Heart. I asked her if this was true, and she shared that it took Chinese medicine thousands of years to figure out what this same spot is connected to.

Injuring this spot, connected to my Heart, while working through Heartbreak, and feeling that connection in my body when she put pressure on it- was no coincidence.

I’m owning how much my past relationship broke me. Broke my heart, my hope, my trust… AND broke my layered, protective shells so beautifully wide open. It helped change my life.

I’m realizing this Work isn’t really necessarily a path to happiness… But rather a path to the depths of feeling and living from my heart. Living in Purpose. A big part of my happiness is freedom, and I find exactly that in every single present moment. And I have access to this freedom anywhere, at any time.

It is not the receiving of Love that has necessarily made me happy. It is the giving of Love that has completely changed my life.

I’ve been so very into breathwork recently- by myself, being seen, and just when I'm going through my day. It's becoming very integrated.

I’ve been really enjoying circles/events around this with some friends at Inner Light Revival. It's an edge for me... There’s something terrifying, and deeply nourishing being seen in a pure form of expression, moving it through my body. I really enjoy how it's a safe container where that kind of thing is accepted, not shamed.

Some events are a mix of a sound healing journey/gong baths too- which I especially enjoy. Two artists I got to experience recently while doing breathwork are Sara Emmitt and Yaima. Check them out.

 

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There is a deep, deep Knowing in all things that I can see in how my body responds, feels, & experiences. When I reflect back, it has always been right, 100% of my entire life. It can sense so much more than my mind. It was just so good to be reminded that my intuition, feelings, and connectedness throughout my body runs deep and true. It was a reminder that I’m not crazy- you’re not crazy- our minds are what get in the way of our deep Knowing. When I’m Here & Now, I can feel everything, I can see everything, and my thoughts float by like clouds. It’s almost as if my mind becomes useless in that space. And I can just listen and feel into my body. It’s beautiful.

That is magical to me. My body and intuition has always been so locked in when I’m fully showing up in my life. And I can't see these gifts... these messages... if I'm not fully ripped open (in the most amazing way). I’m not running from how deeply I can feel things anymore. So while I seek deep understanding and wisdom, I have that already present in my body.

The Body Knows. Remember that.

As I’ve gone deeper into this Work, I’m noticing how dangerous it can be. It's scary. It can be so very confusing. Narcissist’s & Sociopaths, or anyone with ill or unconscious intentions really, can use these skills and tools in really harmful ways. In a sense, they are designed to have you feeling confused, dependent, scared, shamed, obedient.

The reality is that a lot of this knowledge has been handed down and exists within power structures. And I'm particularly noticing a very disturbing trend with white cis men teaching it. "Leaders", "Gurus", "Coaches", "Therapists"... whatever the F. And Women too have been influenced and perpetuate unconsciously to this extent. It's so sneaky and cunning. It works so well and it's really freaking hard to see while it's happening.

I’m not becoming totally hopeless in this sense- but more-so learning to be thoughtful, and not just blindly trust all of the knowledge passed down and taught this way. In books. Wherever. These lessons are really important for me at this point. Learning this way is new for me. I've spent most of my time sitting with Elders in the Woods and experiencing life as my teacher. So I can’t trust within these power structures like I can in other areas of my life. It really is a beautiful lesson. I need to really feel into what’s in integrity, true, and from a place of love- for me, and in my body- when learning from others in this space. And from that place, carry what is True for me in my Heart and out into the World.

The deepest wisdom I have lives in my body and in my experiences.

So ya, it seems most of these self-help people come from a place of “my way or the highway” or "this way is the right way" - and that makes me feel like my experience of life is inferior. And that's just total bullsh*t.

So- Self awareness is probably the most important thing here when making my way through all of this. Did Socrates buy a book or course on changing the World? No. He just did it. He experienced it. He lived it.

So things like David Deida's book “The Way of the Superior Man” - is actually pretty arrogant to me. Some white cis man created these rules to live my life like a Superior Man, and I should just act that way to feel that way? 

It actually feels like a way to disguise who I really am, and how I really feel about my life.

How can I create a deep, open, and powerful connection a partner while I'm trying to remember to live as if I could die at any given moment?

Is a Superior Man really one who lives his life by rules in a book, or defined by "gurus"? Or is a Superior Man one who lives and embodies his truth in every single freaking moment?

So... it seems all of this Self-help stuff can be a double-edged sword. It can make you closed, hurtful, and unconscious... or it can make you open-hearted and deeply felt. It can turn you into a narcissist asshole, or someone with a realistic and healthy sense of Sacred Self and Relationship. It can help you get clarity on living in a way where you and the World rise, or it can lead you down a darker path – where you and humanity suffer. It can liberate consciousness, or perpetuate unconscious behavior. 

Sidenote- I think it's especially dangerous in areas like Boulder, where there are a lot of vulnerable, fragile people seeking help, healing and support.

Anyways, I hope Women take over the world really soon. I think we’ll be much better off :)

So... I’m approaching all of this Work in that cautious way - understanding that it can be both helpful, and dangerous. I’m almost completely done with all of John Wineland’s Online Workshop. I’ve done every single Masculine, Feminine, & Partner Practice (there’s over 100 based on various traditions), and recorded them all on my phone while I went through them. So now, I have them for the rest of my life. I’ve watched through every lesson on the Masculine, Feminine, & Spiritual Intimacy. I’ve done all the homework and inventories on my own life. And while I’ll still be integrating / working with John, going to "The Embodied Men's Leadership Intensive" at Mt. Shasta in October... I can really slow down there, continue to integrate what's true for me, and work with some other aspects of my being in a more focused way (more on that in the future). His work has helped change my life, I don't agree with it all, and it is dangerous. I'm curious to meet and feel into some of these Men, John, and what we might get up to.

And honestly, Mt. Shasta is on one of the Ley Lines of the Earth, so I've always wanted to feel into the Mother's energy there anyways. That alone is worth the trip to me.

I started reading a few of these books I bought recently too. Right now, I’m poking around in Gene Keys / Human Design things more slowly, while reading lots of poetry, and learning more about trauma.

But not too much. Not too fast. More remembering to just Be. Slowing down. Slowww.

Also- check out Jeff James Howard. I'm truly grateful for this human being. He's been a very meaningful presence in my life. If you’re around Boulder and seeking guidance, I would highly suggest that you connect with this Man. He is co-leading a retreat “The Empowered Man” at Elkstone Farms in Steamboat Springs in October. And leads some of the Men’s Groups I’ve mentioned in the Kiva. In my experience, he’s a really good man of integrity.

And Jack Shure. I want to acknowledge you too. Thank you for teaching me to oil paint with the Gods.

 

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I want to be Seen. I want to be Heard. Received. I want to be Raw. I want to share my experiences. I want to make a freaking mess. Express what's True, from my Heart. I want my words to pierce you. I want to be unfiltered and unrestricted. I’m done with thinking. I'm feeling. I won't feed this illusion that we all have it figured out. I don’t. I Know Nothing. My Truth is arising. Give me Passion. Give me Depth. Give me Love. Give me Intimacy. Give me Vulnerability. Give me Crazy. Give me Truth. Open your Heart.

I am Mr. Nobody.

I’m not a Leader. I’m not Woke. I’m not a Coach. I’m not a Therapist. I’m F’d up and I’m hurt. I'm Here and I Love. I’m blissful and I'm broken. We all are.

In this space, I am free.

Just the Self- Witnessing nothing; feeling everything; destroying everything around me; letting everything within me, die. To be reborn.

I’m feeling more alive than I ever have.
 

From my Heart <3

Back to writing. Where I feel most safely, and best expressed. Where I feel most clearly felt, and received- especially when communicating through the medium of our devices. 

 

Back to this space of rawness and vulnerability. Wordplay and expression. This feels aligned. Even refreshing. It is a space where I feel that I can articulate myself more thoughtfully, deeply, and communicate more clearly with care- for myself, and for others. 

 

I am a human best felt & experienced in-person. And so this video/vlogging thing that I’ve been trying to use as a means to communicate and express lately, has me feeling lost in translation. And so, I will save that energy & presence for the moments I experience in my human form. 

 

Here, digitally, moving forward- I will go back to expressing & sharing my experiences and lessons primarily through written word, accompanied with videos/images from my life’s journey. I think you will feel me more deeply & clearly in this space, this way. Writing is one of my true gifts. I am ending this pattern of putting my gifts on a shelf for later, and/or pretending that they don’t exist.

 

I write. I paint and make art. I sit with Mother Nature. I share my Heart. Deep spiritual work is important to me. I help and serve others. This is just who I am.

 

My life is Art. And my Art is Sacred Service. In the name of Love.

 

The past few months of this life has fully ripped me open- in both the most beautiful, and painful, ways. It’s polarizing. Life seems to really hit me in full force when the real, emotional pain arrives. I was starved for emotional support and love as a child. And in ways, that felt like Death growing up.

 

Opening amongst the pain is where I’ve experienced some of the most magical moments, and learned some of the most meaningful lessons in my life. I do not seek pain. But there is so much deep wisdom there (how many people learn a lot during the ‘good times’ anyways?)…and so when it comes, I try and use it, rather than collapse (although that has happened too). 

 

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This time around, when the un-welcomed pain arrived… I fully fvcking opened to it… in ways that  I never have before. And something has happened. Something huge. My entire existence has changed. It’s like The Infinite gave me some new eyeballs. A new lens through which to see the World.

 

My entire relationship culminated in an “Awakening” of sorts. Right at the very end. It was my second such experience. I will admit, my concept of these experiences themselves is even shattering. I don’t really know what to call them or how to explain them. It’s like Spirit visiting…. Being touched by the Divine Feminine/Masculine… Taking the Red Pill out of the Matrix… Realizing Self, Trauma, Behavior and Presence. A Mystical experience. A result of Men’s work. A mix of everything I’m supposed to learn culminating in a fully felt embodied experience, all at once. I don’t know. Something really unexplainable happens.

 

When I ‘woke up’ the first time almost a decade ago, it was like waking up to God, The Infinite, and Myself. So it was more just about me- my actions, thoughts, feelings, ways of being, feeling, seeing… I felt connected (or maybe even disconnected, in a beautiful way). I could Trust. I could feel the Unseen. I could see all the magic working in my life, especially if I was just open to it. Nothing was a coincidence anymore. It was like I could see myself & God together for the first time. Inside. And I felt it. I was granted so much peace and understanding in those moments.

 

This 2nd awakening was that same type of feeling, only the message was different. It was like waking up to myself in Relationship & Connection to everything else- not just myself & God. I woke up to Presence, Connection, Awareness, Depth, Love, Relationship, Purpose… 

 

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I cried for 10 hours straight. I have no idea how the body can even create that amount of tears. The sadness and pain I felt ran way deeper than just my experience. It cut so deep that I could feel all of the Feminine’s suffering & pain- within myself & Other. It actually destroyed me. I was on my knees, arms open, rooted and connected, begging forgiveness for all of mine, and the Masculine’s unconscious ways. It’s been Generations of this shyt. I could feel how badly She is starving for Love. Dying to be Seen. Held. Felt. Lead. Honored. And I have been a part of that suffering in the past. My unconscious masculine behavior has shown up in every one of my past relationships. And I couldn’t ever see it… until this Moment arrived. 

 

Why does it take so long to get the message sometimes? Why couldn’t I see it sooner? I guess that’s not really how life works. I could finally see so clearly how I act/experience unconsciously when in relationship with others- friends, family, lovers, animals, really all beings. It all became so specific and clear. 

 

Maybe a good way to explain the experience is that it was like waking up to Consciousness, Awareness & Presence. Like okay, now I can feel everything, AND witness it all. I can be fully in it, and fully see it. And I can play within those realms. I can take my Awareness ANYWHERE. And that way of existing is part of the Masculine/Feminine polarity of the Universe. Go ahead, look at the very center of an Atom. It’s 90% empty space, and then Energy swirling. The Masculine & The Feminine. Right there, in everything. All of us.

 

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And so… I could see how once I get in relationship with a life partner (and especially if we live together in the same home), I would slowly but quickly start to fall asleep. And I couldn’t ever see it once I start snoozing, nonetheless pull myself out of it. This realization was fvcking painful. In this unconscious state of being, I carry so many things that just aren’t mine. I become some messed up mutated mix of how all of my partners acted in relationship, with a mix of traumatized childhood Michael, dying for Love. It’s totally twisted. It disgusts me in ways. In those moments, the lessons cut so deep. I hated how I wasn’t ready/couldn’t see any of this for so long. I’ve fallen asleep and become that mutated weirdo in all of my relationships- and I could never see it. Until now? Why? And it feels like I just stumbled here somehow? I guess it doesn’t matter Why.

 

I couldn’t recognize how any of my childhood trauma & experiences was showing up in relationship until then. And I didn’t know how to work with it. It sucks- I would end up acting out all the ways my parents existed in relationship- especially in ways like prioritizing everything else in life BUT Love and sharing the depths of my Heart. This realization wrecked me. I fvcking exist for Love. To give Love. Embody Love. Share Love. It’s part of my Purpose. So, existing that way feels terrible.

 

Another part of my experience felt like an initiation into Sacred Manhood. Not this BS toxic masculine stuff that’s been going on for centuries. There is literally zero initiation into Manhood in 2021. There’s no path. No guides. No playbook. No structure. Even, for example, in some indigenous cultures- initiation to Manhood would look something like surviving a pit of Snakes for 7 days, then boom, make it out alive, and you’re a Man.

 

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So, my examples of what it means to be a Man, Masculine, Lead or Show Up in relationship… or do anything really Sacred growing up…. just doesn’t resonate with my Heart. These examples haven’t really helped me at all. They’ve been more confusing than anything. They haven’t been a good example of how to be a Lover. How to be Present. How to notice my behavior. How to get support around my issues. How to create safe containers for different forms of expression. Even “S3xual Education” classes in school were pretty much a biology class. (Excuse me, there’s way more to S3xuality than human bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces, Mrs. Henderson. Thanks.)

 

I don’t fault or blame anyone for any of this. It’s just my experience. Hard lessons. Beautiful Truths.

 

It’s so fascinating to me… I came here to Colorado with the intention to Heal, and I never would have imagined it would look anything like this. This is far from easy. And I can’t just meditate or ecstatic dance my way out of feeling all of this. This is decades and generations of stuff to unpack.

 

And it so wild to me that it took an entire string of events over the course of the past 3.5 years to wake me up in this way. Right up until there was no more opportunity for repair left, and connection severed. Only THEN, was I gifted new eyes. It’s maybe the biggest BOTH/AND of my life. I’m so grateful for these lessons, and I am fully ripped open. Ouch. Butterfly emerging from the cocoon.

 

—

 

The way my relationship ended, it triggered pretty much all of my unconscious habits, old programming, trauma responses, and reactions in such a toxic way. I found myself having drug cravings for the first time since I can even remember. Heavy Fight/Flight modes. Rapid shifts of emotion full spectrum from Rage to Sadness to Acceptance to Forgiveness to WTF to ???. Anxious ticks. Body shakes/shockwaves. I was chain smoking cigarettes. Bursting out emotion at the wrong/unsafe people (Mini Lesson: I have a Feminine Emotional Body; so I need safe containers to express that way. Or BOOM Sagittarius FIRE BOMB). Scrambling for repair. Hanging on to Hope as a means of survival. No sleep. Barely eating. And I didn’t run from any of my feelings this time around. I welcomed more in. Whatever wanted to arise, I let it. 

 

Who the F started shaming people for feeling and grieving, anyways? 

 

And labeling people with a description that’s like a one-size-fits-all clinically identified emotion? 

 

Going and hiding in a corner until “I work it out alone” does not work well either.

 

—

 

A massive part of what’s been helping shift everything so quickly and meaningfully for me during this time is Men’s Work. What that looks like for me right now involves working with John Wineland in the realms of Masculine/Feminine Polarity, S3xuality, Intimacy, Depth, Purpose, Relationship & Embodiment. It looks like hours of active practice (and by practice I mean things like breathwork, meditation, kundalini, Qigong, prayer, bioenergetics, tantra, taoism…), each day. Every day. Instead of numbing out, I bought like 50 books around spirituality, relationship, communication, shadow work, human design, s3x, love, and intimacy. I’ve been studying, learning, & integrating. I haven’t been distracting myself- but rather deepening. I re-prioritized everything in my life, putting this Work and Love right at the very top again. As it should be. I reached out for support from other Men around my experience- and they showed up like freaking rockstars. I’ve been going to sound healing journeys. Ecstatic Dance. Breathwork circles. Body Work. Ancestral Work. Somatics. Therapy. I’m running up the mountain, and sitting on a rock to meditate for an hour when I get there. 

 

It’s just important that I’m opening, and not hiding and collapsing into a shell. 

 

These practices have allowed me to move so much energy and emotions that has literally been stored in my bones, my DNA, my body… for 30+ years. And it’s important that I’m doing these practices with myself, another human, and in community. 

 

I’ve been noticing feelings and experiences are arising that I totally drowned in my psyche as a child- mostly because they were so painful to deal with at the time. I didn’t have the tools to deal with certain experiences. Feelings & experiences totally unrelated to my breakup have been coming through recently. And it can get confusing in that space- what is what- and then figuring out how to work with all these different things.

 

—

 

And so… I’ve created intentional space just to do this spiritual work and heal all these aspects of my being- so that I can show up more Whole in the World. And I’m doing this work in a very committed, conscious and supported way, for the rest of the year. For the rest of my life.

 

I’m remembering myself- my presence- my love. Opening to and feeling everything. And it’s changed my life. I’m transforming in such magnificent, meaningful ways. I can see so very differently. It’s borderline psychedelic. Everything I need is right Here. Now. I’ve sat on my couch more than ever before- and not to watch Netflix or numb out. Just to feel. Feel. It. All. To practice. I want to Work with it all right now. It just feels aligned. And if it is all only for the sake of deepening my Love that I get to share with the World- than I am so very grateful for that opportunity. 

 

There is still so much Work to do. Nobody can heal my trauma. Patch up my wounds. I have to do that. It’s my responsibility.

 

I am not my parents. Some of the parts of them in me have been slowly dying over the years, but now it feels like a mass exorcism. I can’t smoke cigarettes- my father habitually did that. His father did that. I can’t smoke weed, drink alcohol- my stepfather did that, and then he would get abusive. My self-regulation ’ticks’ are from my Mom. The way I react is the way I learned to react as a means of survival from when I was young. Success being more important than Love is not me- it’s how my parents existed in relationship. So many of their/my lineages behaviors have been passed on to me- and it feels almost invasive. Like it’s not really my essence, but it takes me over if I’m not Aware, Grounded, and Connected. If I’m not HERE, NOW, my shadow comes out to play. And I can’t do anything about it or even notice it unless I’m practicing and showing up for myself in my life and relationship different than I have in the past.

 

—

 

So now that I can see all of the ways this stuff shows up in my adult life, I have to work with it. I have to remove it from my ways of being, and then lovely invite it back into my Heart. My Heart can handle all of it. And more. 

 

It just tears me up how much all of this trauma and childhood experiences has impacted my entire life and relationships. I’m thankful I can see it now, work with it, heal it… for my entire family. For all my relationships.

 

I deeply regret so many things about my past relationships- and I can’t do anything now to change that. Some doors are closed, connections severed. I find myself hanging on to hope in ways, like a fairytale romance… but that’s probably also a trauma response / survival technique from my childhood… and there’s a difference between hanging on to hope in that way, and having hope as a healthy, sacred Masculine adult. 

 

Everything has happened exactly as it needed to, regardless who was at fault, and for a greater purpose. At least for me- I needed to See these things that I couldn’t for so long. 

 

I’m learning. Discovering my own Sacred Masculine and Feminine. Becoming a Man. Healing all of my this trauma and doing all this Men’s Work so that I can shine brighter, step into myself, and become more whole. And I’m not just learning/studying. I’m integrating all of this into my daily life. I seek wisdom and understanding. Depth and openness. Not just knowledge.

 

Living this intentional way is hard, but living and experiencing unconsciously is so much harder.

 

In ways this experience has been a giant paradox. My ex-partner was showing me so much of this work and ways of being… These ways of looking at the world, Women, Myself, S3x, Relationship, etc…. that I never knew existed. She was showing me for a while now. And yet because I became a sleeping little boy, I would put so much of this Work on a shelf for later- and worry about other things besides Love and Connection- just like my parents existed. 

 

—

 

It’s been especially hard to do some of this work after the breakup, because so much of it is about relationship. And now that I’m fully committed, She is gone. It’s hard to do some practices without a partner. And when I do, I find myself imagining her being there some times. More hard lessons- I had the opportunity to practice with her, and I didn’t Show Up. 

 

I get so mad at myself that I couldn’t see all of this until it was over. Until the very end. And now, the only amends I can make are through my actions and ways of being moving forward. And carry these lessons with me everywhere I go, into every new experience, every future and current relationship or connection. 

 

I miss the way she made me feel. And I’m remembering again that I can give that to myself first. I have to. All the love and nourishment I need in life doesn’t require a partner.

 

So… what’s next? Continuing down this road. Deepening. Shedding these toxic layers. Becoming more Whole. Stepping more fully into Manhood. Stepping into my true-self. Living attuned, and from a place of deep Presence and Love. Deep Purpose. Remembering to be Here. Now. I will read. I will write. I will practice. I will make Art. I will be falling deeper and deeper into just Being. It’s so simple when I zoom out.

 

In becoming more fully realized, I want to be ready for my next relationship, and carry the depths of my love into every connection, any new experiences- for the rest of my life. Only the deepest Presence and Love is what I am meant to radiate in connection. This is my Sacred Vow.

 

And then… help people through sharing and supporting- as a means of Sacred Service. Not as a business model. It’s about Love and Humanity for me. And that doesn’t involve money. There’s billions of people who are still sleeping, just like I was. And all of this is Human. Not psychotic, abnormal, or weird. It’s utterly Human, to FEEL. We’re not alone in our experiences. 

 

—

 

The details and specifics of what’s been happening over the past few months don’t matter too much to me anymore. I’m so deeply regretful of so many things that happened, and there’s no more opportunity for repair except through my actions moving forward. These lessons have been so hard, but they are changing and healing myself and generations of people. 

 

This all feels like it’s the only thing really left for me to do now with my life. I don’t need anything else. Just Love, Depth and Aliveness.

 

My entire life has changed. I will always have this Work to do. I’m trusting my life. Everything has a Purpose. A purpose. A purpose. I don’t need or want anything- I can give it all to myself. I am living my life out of Love again. 

 

So… here is a picture of a Rose that I just finished painting. I should have finished painted this a long time ago. It was on the shelf along with everything else aligned with my Heart. And it was emotionally difficult to paint through, but it helped me work through and feel a lot of this stuff in my share. 

 

This painting carries so much meaning and special energy. It serves as timeless marker of powerful changes swirling in the Universe. In both myself, in relationship, and with the Masculine/Feminine. At it’s core, it is a reflection of my deep reverence, honor and love for Her, and the Sacred Feminine. Her essence. It’s a symbol of Love.

 

Thank you for these lessons, these new eyes, and new hope, Lord Universe. I’m so grateful. The World looks so wonderfully different now.

 

And so it is.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

From my Heart <3

This feels Vulnerable to share. But I don't think I'm alone. My life is not a private affair, anymore. My experiences and lessons are only made useful if shared.

Thank you for holding this with your Heart...

...

Why am I here? To give unconditional Love. To be of Sacred Service. To make Art with my Life. To inspire, enliven, deepen. To help others. To be a walking renaissance. To open others. Open myself. My purpose doesn’t have to be anyone else’s. I’m constructing my life in a way that serves this. And this is alignment/integrity. If I’m here to fully let go, then I work on 10 projects to distract myself- I’m not in alignment with what it is I say, and I’ll feel that. 

 

How do I express my deepest purpose as a part of my consciousness, in a container like Mens Groups? If I’m here to LET GO, am I letting go? Maybe letting go means stripping away everything that is not the core expression of my consciousness. 

 

SIT IN THE MUD. The impulse of what I need to do comes from Stillness. It doesn’t come from always moving. Whatever is the most true for me- Own it. The lotus flower blooms from a muddy swamp. 

 

Connection happens through the body. 

 

By opening up to each other, I give the other person a chance/invitation to rise. 

 

We are constantly magnetizing shallowness or depth.

 

Check in and ask for containers for expression before communicating some things. Don’t just dump out all my raw emotions. It can be hurtful.

 

Noticing other Men that have a hard time saying “I Love You”, even to other Men. Maybe because of never truly experiencing it? Maybe because of a perception that love is ownership, or something like that? I think if you’ve experienced love, felt love, acted from a place of love… offering it to another is an act of grace and connection. A beautiful gift of empathy, understanding, embrace, integrity, vulnerability, and acceptance.

 

If people don’t respond the way I want them to respond to my Love, that’s my problem. There’s a shadow here.

 

We withhold our love out of fear of it not being received how we want it to be. 

 

Does it serve the World for us to go deeper? For us to be in relationship? We have to own what we want. 

 

I will not have sex unless there’s a deep profound intimacy. I’m here to magnetize deep love. What form it takes is not up to me. Could be a lifetime or a weekend. I’m asking myself: Will it serve for us to go deeper? I’m here to magnetize deep intimacy. Whatever supports that purpose, I’m existing in, and waiting. I’ll have no trouble finding a partner who wants to connect with a Man who is that connected to his core. I can feel people dying for it. So, FEEL when considering sex: Does it serve the world to deepen with this person? 

 

I need a very specific kind of energy in a partner; incredibly devotional, energetic, feminine to the point of almost crazy. Like the tropics in monsoon season. Owning, admitting, and stepping into that is important. I have to own what I want. Discover what I want. And if what I want is the deepest connection with someone- that is okay. That’s beautiful. I don’t want to fuck somebody that can’t feel my heart, and I can’t feel hers… and the Gods are not smiling. 

 

I am young. I have the best love, experiences of my life all waiting for me. Even though there is deep loss, I have an entire life ahead of beauty. 

 

Speaking my deep truth into the world: I’m going to magnetize the most beautiful love and deepest experiences.

Remember to own my jealousy with structure and a container.

 

I have a feminine emotional body. A masculine spiritual body. A masculine relationship to my physical body. And two equal parts feminine and masculine sexual body.

 

I’m creating containers for the feminine emotional body that I have. Breath + Awareness = Structure. The person who has deeper breath and keener awareness holds the masculine pole at any moment. If I want to polarize relationship, I have to have deeper breath than partner.

 

Humor is important, but don’t reject my own feminine. It’s not wrong to be fiery and emotional, if I have structure. It can be as simple as expressing me emotion in a couple sentences.

I have found lots of different containers and practices for my wild heart. 

 

Accountability: Am I willing to send $1,000$ per day to a charity for every day I miss a practice? Fuck yes.

 

There’s a nutrient that comes from a Man’s love that doesn’t want anything from you. Doesn’t need anything from you. Just sees you. I’m remembering that I just want to be with people because they’re good for my soul and I love them. I don’t need anything else.. 

 

Maybe I haven’t chose women that truly inspire me because I’m afraid of being abandoned. Maybe I’ve chose women that won’t demand my deepest consciousness. I’m identifying what I actually need in a partner. Not settling for the security, cuddling, or sex..  What’s coming through is a deep understanding that I need a feminine partner that does x, y, z.

 

Nothing can emulate the freedom of my consciousness that I am. Not Aya-journeys, drugs, alcohol. Nothing.

I learn so much when I’m in extreme pain.

 

I wasn’t raised with a healthy masculine or feminine, so it’s hard to trust people some times. It’s not my fault. 

 

There’s no shortcuts to this stuff. Even though the Masculine loves short cuts- like, “just get there fast, and end.” I have to just dive deep. 

 

There is lots of beautiful deep shit men can do together without drugs or drinking. 

 

I’ve allowed a lot of what has happened in the culture of our relationship. I can see now that this not what I want. I must be in integrity with my terms, who I am, and what I want, or I’ll resent my partner, myself and numb out. It’s never too late to define/re-define terms. Her hurting me is not acceptable. But I take full responsibility for what I‘ve allowed in the relationship. I did not lead us well. I blame me. And I have a plan moving forward. 

 

I find myself playing more when I cuts/jabs thrown at me, being more artful. It’s like little tests to see if I’ll open or close.

 

The byproduct of not expressing my truth is numbness. I become numb because I’m choking on truth. 

 

Sometimes, everything I try doesn’t work. And the Shadow is I’m a failure. So, own it. Choking on my truth as a masculine being is the worst. I’m feeling into the part of me that is an absolute failure. Not repressing this shadow. 

 

What is life asking me to feel?

 

I can’t make conscious decisions when I have unprocessed feelings.

 

I’m surrendering and staying open in the midst of my failures. Keeping my heart open. It’s difficult art. And different from just trying harder, or closing up.

 

Surrendering into my regret. Letting my heart make the song of regret. 

 

Underneath my anger is a shadow of a needy little boy who just wants to be loved. 

 

My psyche can actually spit out images that are my shadow images. 

 

Maybe the Feminine responsibility in relationship is a responsive heart to the moment. A responsive, expressed heart. Not necessarily integrity. There is a certain masculine capacity that I can demand. It’s just a different then knowing I need a woman who has a wild heart, and learn to be with that, and see if we can do it. Discovering what primary energy I crave from a partner that makes me feel alive- Wild? Nourishing? Expressive? Devotional? Loves, Love?

 

Get clear about what I crave in a partner: Devotion to Love. And that needs to be a priority over success. One has to have priority. 

 

My partner should inspire me around my purpose. Be clear on what I want- Does she love, love? Is she devoted? Then I can lead from there. And I won’t know it’s good for me until things around me reflect that ‘success’. itll be obvious it’s the right energy for me because more of me will become available. 

 

It’s important to not ignore the red flags of narcissism or whatever comes up. Flirty/sexy fun energy is different from devotion, too. So, what if I want it all?

 

The deeper I go into practice, the harder it’ll be to find someone who really fits me. 

 

The right energy lightens me up to brighten the world. Things take time.

 

Don’t treat relationships as a hobby. The energy my relationship wants, is the same that the world wants. 

 

The sacred masculine softens the feminine. 

 

Lead women into their feminine hearts.

 

Deeper breath and stillness has me in my masculine. I can evoke from my partners all the time, and play in the feminine/masculine polarity of the universe. 

 

I ned to take responsibility for the direction of the relationship. Be the direction of the relationship. This is massive responsibility. It takes tremendous courage and work. Most guys won’t do it. My deep responsibility is the feminine heart. 

 

I can use shadows as an ally. Owning shadows are sexy as fuck.

 

Owning my shadow fully and showing a partner that part of me.

 

I feel Unseen.

 

Sometimes, I put on some music for 10 mins, lay on a yoga mat, set a timer for 10 mins, cry and wail and grieve… then get up and see what’s next. This is self care. I have awareness around what I need to do to be more available to the world. 

 

I can move my awareness anywhere. I always have control over my awareness, and the depth of awareness. And then add my hearts awareness. I can then feel the size and density of it (like a mountain). I can feel wind blowing, birds chirping, stream flowing. I can be aware on a superficial, or deep level. If I’m just aware of my self centered fear, I’ll have no power. I can always go deeper into deepening my awareness. My mind will take me into a place where I have no strength and power. It’s important to remember my racing mind, and still it. It’s useless. Focusing on what others are doing is self-centered fear.

 

Don’t just read and learn about things. I see so much disconnect between thoughts/words and actions. You can’t just learn about practice, yoga, tantra, whatever else. I have to actually practice, to get it into my body. To really get it. To experience it. I see so many people that take 100 courses, read 100 books- but haven’t actually practiced or experienced it.

 

How quickly and deep I’m able to go, without being lost in it… feeling everything, and being able to come back to stillness and consciousness, is feeling like a superpower. 

 

I’m realizing how important it is to do this work in community, and not just by myself. How important it is to see and be seen. How important containers are for different forms of expression. How important trusting another is amongst these spaces.

Chasing a woman who has expressed she’s not interested is one of the most soul crushing things I can do. I just have to take my awareness and put it on everything else in life that is actually worth while. Focus on what is enlivening, and take my awareness off of her. I need to protect myself. I can express desire and be truly honest without chasing anything. Energetic chasing is a waste. Making her more important than consciousness and my purpose is a waste. I need depth more than I need her. I become disconnected from the core of my heart when chasing. I deserve a woman who absolutely wants to surrender her heart. Anything else- I’m wasting my time. 

 

Ask myself: is it making the world a better place by living in this dynamic with a partner? What would need to change, and how, for a relationship to be a gift to the world? I need to feel inspired, sexuality, desire, passion. There is nothing wrong with wanting this in a partner.

 

She is not more important than my depth. I made my ex partner more important than my purpose, my connection to the infinite, my openness, and my depth. In that way, I lost before we started. 

 

I have to grieve the loss of my partner. 

 

Part of good masculine leadership is to create containers/boundaries/agreements for how things are going to move forward. If things are still kind of sticky, then I don’t have to grieve, and it extends. So… I offer: what I think is best, and how does that feel for you? But when I do this, I have to feel and grieve for what I lost, and not getting what I wanted. My lack of clarity evokes the masculine. Being the structure will evoke the feminine. 

 

What do I want to do before I die?

 

If I look at an atom, at it’s very core, it’s 90% empty space, and energy. This is quantum physics. So the masculine and feminine exists there. Feeling into my infinite, empty space- is the masculine. And being aware that this is the basis of my being. The more I put my awareness on that which is nothing, the more I’m identified with the masculine energetic of the cosmos. Acting from my mind- my mind is the feminine. 

 

If I believe my thoughts, I’ll believe what a woman says is true. The feminine will say all kinds of things, but it’s not necessarily her truth. Maybe the only truth in the feminine heart is: IS THERE LOVE? WHERE IS LOVE? Feminine integrity is about the recognition of love moment to moment. Masculine integrity is the recognition of consciousness. If I want to occur masculine in the world, I need to be more on the side of stillness, infinite nothingness. Moving slower. Talking slower. Slowing my breath. Like… Noticing death. Feeling everything that is dying. Feeling all the life = feminine. Just be aware of it and move it through my body- that’s the practice. 

 

I’ve let so much happen that is far from my purpose. 

 

Be clear on my purpose, own it fully, and continue to build my life to support it. 

 

I can deal with disrespect playfully and without collapsing. And it’s ok to be playful with it one day., then express more firmness later.

 

There’s no winning in all this. It’s all moment to moment:How does love want to express in this moment?

 

Tussle in love, and celebrate differences. 

 

When my relationships end, I feel scared that I’ll never find love. Have love. Be alone. End up alone. This feeling does pass. What helps: a 6 month feminine cleanse. No feminine energy at all. This way, I fall in love with myself and find out who I am on a deeper level. I can’t know who I am amongst all the confusion. Taking this cleanse is hard and painful, but I will know who I am. If I’m in relationship, and I don’t know… let her go, and face death. So during the cleanse: Surrender to the hopelessness of no relationship at all. On the other end of it, the life learning, depth of love, and shift/reset is worth it. I can’t attract the kind of partner I want, while choosing another from a place of being terrified of being alone. I am generally good with being alone. Fresh out of a relationship- it’s hard. I’m finding out who I really am, and then I can create a wonderful loving relationship with it all. When I come out of it, I’m a different Man. 

 

TUSSLE! <3

 

There’s a practice that takes couples through where we identify the 2-3 areas where we’ve hurt each other most. Then we do a deep excavation of the impact of our behavior on each other. It helps create a fresh start and heal past wounds. I don’t want to make each other wrong for how we think and feel. We only cut each other in this space. So as a masculine partner, I could say- this dynamic for being wrong for how we think and feel, and not having some kind of compassionate mutually respectful way to express ourselves, is over. I’m not interested in this anymore. I’m interested in a loving, conscious way to communicate- so here’s what I suggest: We are doing to do imago dialogue for a year instead of calling each other horrible names.

 

I have to continue to deepen my capacity to be present and feel. Conscious presence. Own the ways I failed. List it. Own it. And fall on my sword. I did this. And it’s a place of absolute integrity. 

 

Give my partner all of me. 

 

She was leaking energy, looking out for another potential partner, for almost the entirety of our relationship, instead of fully being with the relationship. 

 

Don’t just get into relationship to have comfort. The byproduct of that is uninspired love. If I don’t want to give her all of me, don’t be with her. Or give her all of me for a period of time, and see what that does. 

 

It was cruel to let herself’s attention wander to other men, and for me to know it. It’s one thing to occasionally notice a beautiful person, but if it’s habitual enough that I can feel the pain around it, and she admits that’s part of what she does - always looking for the next thing - that’s cowardly. So then we either have to Show Up, or create a container for this kind of polyamory. 

 

Read my relationship inventory to her: I did this with m ex-partner. Here’s how I messed up, let you down, lead you into the arms of another man, neglected you, didn’t show up, didn’t love you… and here’s what I found. And did I miss anything? You can do this exercise once or twice a year and bring it to your partner. “I did not cherish you. I did now show up. I was leaking energy.” Imagine the impact unconscious behavior had on her.

 

“Ouch” without collapse is a wonderful potion for when my feelings are hurt. I can lean into her breaking my heart. I lean into her hurting me. But that doesn’t mean I take it all the time. 

 

Admit my shadow to my partner and tell her the impact. Seeing the impact of my shadow on her will free something deep.

 

Example: “I can imagine how that impacted you. I imagine that you would cry alone. How when I would do that, it crushes your dreams. How it breaks your heart thinking that I’m not your King. I imagine that when I do that, I’m dimming your radiance. I imagine you would have wanted to have sex last night, then you feel guilty. I imagine maybe you snap at the children. I imagine you….”. This is owning the ripple effect of my unconsciousness. Owning it fully and owning the impact. I put myself in her heart and go deep into the impact. It’s not enough to just say I was unconscious about it. Seeing the impact of my unconsciousness on her will free something deep. 

 

So…. I imagine the impact on you must have been…. (The impact of my shadow being unconsciously projected on to her).

 

Consciousness seems to be the #1 Feminine complaint.

 

Remember to thank a lover when they’re right.

 

Obligatory conversations are a polarity killer. Obviously it’s okay to check in some times, but I really want deep, heartfelt conversation. In general, forced/timed check ins super frequently is pretty neutralizing.

 

Own the pain around not enough freedom.  The Masculine desires freedom. Feminine desires love. Own the freedom I crave. Acknowledge the pain I’m in for not being free. I can make play around masculine burden too. 

 

The masculine burden / feminine love-longing will never go away.

 

Fully support a partner, but don’t accept their neurosis. Do I want to work with that? Will that make the world a better place? Will that expand her? Will that expand me? Then guide into what would support their issues- women’s work, shadow work, therapy, etc. I have to take responsibility and take action. Even a Practice for daddy issues could be: She can grab a bat and beat the shit out of something (Dad) while looking at me. Once I decide I want to be with that, I’m taking responsibility for my partners stuff. 

 

There is power in taking responsibility for the sins of our fathers. I’m here to help heal you, and be healed by you, in relationship. It’s part of mutual healing, and I’ll give you everything I have… but I need your heart. Not neurosis. It takes balls to be like “I love you, but I’m not going to be your whipping boy”… But I will work through it with her. I see most men pretend it’s not bothering them and go numb and self-pleasure.

 

The answer to all my questions is in my practice! How relaxed am I? How deep am I breathing? How grounded am I? Can I feel the infinite? How relaxed is my heart? Bring this to every moment.

 

Acklowedge when a partner is right and I’m not present.

 

Intentional dialogue is a practice. Or, one where each one of says each other is right. Arguments could be a source of deep stress that needs to be remedied. So take responsibility- and clear. 

 

My capacity to lead is increased when fully owning where I’m unconscious. 

 

Saying “You Might be Right” when I can’t fully / authentically look at myself to see if I messed it up, is important. It’s important to acknowledge and own when a partner catches me unconscious. 

 

I have to live in the pain of not knowing purpose for it to forge. 

 

Trust the impulses that come through when I’m sitting in stillness and consciousness. I can’t feel into what’s next if I’m always acting and looking for it. Just d nothing and be, and see what comes through. Ask myself questions. Then get feedback from the Men I trust. 

 

The lotus pod is not thrashing around in the mud. It’s rooting. 

 

I’m literally getting addicted to stillness and doing nothing meticulously.

Our children need us. Show up. Love them. 2 hour dialogues are great for clearing. We do things we didn’t know we do. Unconscious things. It’s important to clear, even though it’s painful. Get to the convo where they let me have it, if needed.

 

I sacrificed my heart to let her know that I love her.

 

When they pull away, let them pull away. 

 

She withheld her heart, and it broke my heart. I felt her withdraw, and it broke my heart.

 

Practice: Make an inventory in all the ways I abdicated leadership, and go deep into this. And the impact that has had on her and our relationship. Then I can go to her: Whatever happens with us, I need to own this. Here’s what I’ve allowed, and here’s what I want moving forward. Are you with me? If not, I understand. But this is what I want. This is a powerful way to re-align on a meta level the de-polarization. I let her do so many things instead of stepping in and saying ‘this is unacceptable to me’.

Even if all my effort doesn’t work, I at least know in 6 months or whatever, that I stepped up, and did my best. 

 

I deserve to be with a Woman who trusts me. Who I am has come to the surface during all of this. I’m a good, loving, caring person. I am deep, intimate, embodied and fucking conscious Man. I do not need to be with someone who doesn’t trust me. And that energy will, in turn, attract deep, beautiful, radiant people. 

 

Sometimes relationships end because we’ve burned the karma. But before bowing and moving on, really honesty looking at everything will serve something sacred going forward. 

 

Part of a Warriors Path: What does she need from me in order to want to surrender her heart fully, and really give herself to the relationship?

 

Ask: What would it take to surrender your heart forever?

 

Warrior energy stars from the naval down. It’s lower body energy.

 

The victory is Opening, while all the shit continues. Most of the time the feelings we have are around fear. Grasping vs surrendering. Just remember to Surrender. The Victory is not the ending of fear, grief, pain…. The victory is opening, while all that continues. It won’t ever stop. I can be with my fear openly. That is success. I won’t just rid fear. Having no fear in my relationship will just look like me not needing her. I love my partners, but I don’t need them to be happy. And I especially don’t need, to need, to be happy. I can love, worship, give everything I have- but I don’t need her.

 

It’s a gift to be able to be with my own self hate and open through it. It’s freeing and terrifying when I’m in it. But relaxing into it moves it pretty fast.

 

The masculine feels the field for what is best. Sometimes I wrestle with the “I should…. Do something.” Instead of just owning what lights me up and bringing that to people.

Masculine leadership: feeling the infinite, feeling consciousness. Sensing what is in my field… then feeling what needs to happen with that. And sitting with it. 

 

Usually when a partner is controlling, there’s some sort of fear or trauma. 

 

You can’t sacred dance or meditate your way out of feeling everything. 

 

I'm aligning myself with the pulse of Love.

 

How do I love somebody who’s transgressing through my deepest terms?

 

I will never apologize for desiring, needing, wanting... unconditional Love.

 

I spent almost 10 years of my life essentially in my Feminine; emotional, dancing, flowing, feeling- during/in active addiction. And thus, in relationship.

 

My Masculine grows in solitude, and in company of other Men.

 

Masculine Love is nourishing. Something gets full when I Love You from the place of "I Don’t Want Anything From You."

 

A strong burning Fire and Fierceness lives within me. I'm learning to create structure around my Fire.

 

Remember my breath. Notice my body. How it's responding, moving, reacting. Feel into my body. Ask myself; What does this moment NEED? What action NEEDS to happen? What NEEDS to be said?

 

Re: Masculinity; Presence. Consciousness. Be here Now. Sati (Buddhism)

 

The "darker" I get with my desires, the more I need to breathe deeper, look deeper; into the eyes, downwards, deeper, to the soul... be fully present. Send the Loving energy of "God" up through our spines. Remember my tantra practices.

 

I am responsible for my own energy. And I should be full of life force, from my own practices. If she says No, or has a boundary; I don't need to react or shut down. I just go deeper into my own practice. I don’t need anything from her, because of the nourishment I get from myself. If I’m full, deep, working on my stuff, and in purpose; I am nourished.

 

Lean in when I am poked. 

 

I don't need permission to do my practices; breathe with her, feel her, connect with her. If she notices me breathing with her, and doesn't like it- don't withdraw. Lean in. I want to feel my partners Heart. I want to Practice with Her.

 

If a fight with my partner is brewing; Slow down and notice my breath, body, & energy in these moments. I need to maintain consciousness and structure, so that I can lean in. My reactions communicate how much she can trust me to hold her heart.

 

Defending myself in a fight is useless. Remember my Yoga practices. Face her, feel her heart, align my spine, and be there. Lean in.

 

Relax into life. Everything has a purpose.

 

A Peaceful Warrior does not seek pain, but when it comes, he uses it.

 

Stop letting my heart waver. I have the capacity to love the fuck out of someone, even for a small period of time, even from a distance. While I want my partner to be present in human form, it is possible to do my own thing, and when we come together, Be fully fucking there, and love the fuck out of her. 

 

Know my needs and desires: For the rest of the year, this is what I have to do. Don’t fold. Stay true. If I don’t follow my purpose, what I need, it actually makes me, and my partner, unhappy. Irony. It's possible that I sold my Truth for her.

 

When I feel 'burdened', I create a story around exhaustion. And when I would attempt to Rest, that rest was not restful; demands were waiting for me on the other side. I need to create more intentional space to rest with no demands, and express that.

 

My own shame, miscommunication, use of language, lack of updated agreements, tone, body language, unexpressed desires and needs...  impacted me greatly.  I held back Love in ways, as a result.

 

I take full responsibility for everything that happens in my life. I haven't found myself blaming her. But rather taking ownership for my actions; growing from the lessons I'm learning as a result of this process, support, and reflections. This is my stuff.

 

The areas where I feel "poked" or "attacked"; relax. have a sense of humor about it. House Rules: Paradox, Humor & Change.

 

Remember: The Eye is the Gateway to the Soul. Allow people to see me, any way I am. When I feel extra vulnerable, I look away, turn my body away, close down. Come back to Consciousness in these moments.

 

I’m headed towards a moment where my intentions in this lifetime will be bound to my multidimensional self, and I will become some form of a multi-dimensional master in this life time. Neptune goes over my point of destiny 3 years from now, but it’s quiet. And before it gets there, it squares off with every Sagittarius planet I have (five planets), and it takes down my ego at each point. I am becoming disillusioned in the most wonderful way.

 

I learned with my Astrologer & Body Worker that there is a solid line of Mystics woven into my DNA throughout the generations. Feels connected to the Native American part of my heritage. Some connection to the Unseen and Hidden Truths of the World. Go deeper into ancestral work. In this life, I'm meant to be of service, rather than in a position of power, like past lives. I'm discovering how to be of service to the collective, to humanity; not just myself. I'm tuning into a higher dimension and bridging the gap between realms.

 

I learned to Let Go. How to weild that ability. And it's allowing me to Open up; Expand.

 

Some of my path is meant to be solitary right now. Sagittarius & Scorpio is solitary energy. This makes me sad, in ways. I need to go through this solitary time, or experience, so that I can come back to others more Whole, Complete, and Full with Love.

 

Listen to some 432hz music when I start my days. Elevate my morning routine when I can. I need to start my days with some practice and solitude for myself, then spend the rest of the day in Service.

 

Universe said I can sit this life out; But I said No, Let's Keep Going. My choice. We exist as a tribe. Not billions of different consciousness. One consciousness, billions of bodys. My tribe exists in the 5th dimension. 

 

I can't just go along with someone else's stuff. Check in with myself. Constantly.

 

I am willing to trade Fear, for Peace.

 

I’m in my 9 year, which is the most spiritual number. The year of Sacred Service. Surrendering to the Divine. Trust. Faith. Belief. Knowing. Presence. All is well. Powerful.

 

Some of the deepest work I’ve ever seen is to love an active addict, while maintaining strong boundaries. I'd experienced this with 100's of people during my time in NA/AA. My entire community, and support system, was addicts. This experience was Powerful, but not the best support system for me.

 

Have to walk this path before I want to come back to partnership/relationship, and that is what is happening.

I'm honoring WHAT IS. Embracing it. Feeling the moment. My desires. Staying there. The Sacred emerges from being with the other, fully present, and staying there; until I feel into what needs to happen next. 

 

Remember to DROP DOWN, then Lead with my Heart from there... Instead of knee-jerk reactions resulting from an emotional lack of capacity, to drive my decision making.

 

ANYTHING can happen from this place of being with what is happening, in myself, and in the moment.

 

I am deepening my capacity to drop in, and lead through.

 

Don't take action from a place of NOT wanting to feel something. Or to get something. Or to alleviate something. Relieve feelings. 

 

Maybe Toxic Leadership, Toxic Masculinity, Toxic Anything… is about "ME". It's 'my way or highway', dictator shit. My Father used to say this to me all the time.

 

Sacred Leadership is being a Yes to What Is. A deeper and more subtler listening to what’s happening in them, what’s happening in me, being a Yes to it all, and in the moment, until the next right thing emerges.

 

Every present moment has millions of possibilities.

 

Just holding space for a Lover's anger, is not Sacred. Be a Yes to her anger and a Yes to what’s in me, then allow something to come through. In this way, I train my nervous system to be there.

 

Everything comes from just being with, and feeling. What am I feeling? I've been sitting in so much Stillness lately, just FEELING. Feeling the Truth of it. I stop myself from thinking of solutions. I'm just Being with the feelings. If I jump to make a decision; I'm trying to end the feeling. SLOW DOWN AND DROP IN. Remember: Stop trying to strategize how to end the feeling.

 

Bioenergetics, Earth Breath Meditation, Ego Eradicator, Heart Horse Grounding Practices made me cry tears of Release; not sadness, or pain.

 

I need to get full of the Feminine from everything else; the Earth, the Cosmos, my Environment…. Then come into relationship from there... instead of stepping into relationship from a place of exhaustion or being malnourished. Practice: Sit in a park. Practice going into my stillness/core, then feeling outwards. 

 

Rooting is a skill set. Presence is a skillset. Depth is a skillset. We normally just think. Not feel. Rest in the infinite stillness, and feel the Chaos, without getting pulled into it. The Feminine in relationship can be Chaotic; and so deeply beautiful. And Life can be chaotic. So one of my essential masculine practices is to really root into my core heart. Then be with. 

 

Feeling with and being with everything gives birth to action.

 

Stop living in impulse; from the mind. BE Present. Pretty much everything Peaceful Warrior, hah!

 

For me to be nourished, I have to enter a space of no demand, regularly. One of the ways I do this, is I run up a mountain, then sit on a rock for an hour. I watch Mother Nature, with no phone... Feel the sky, earth, all around me. And when I come off the rock, I feel alive.

 

How can I be rooted, grounded, open… and still be with feeling? That’s nervous system training. My nervous system needs to rest so that I can be nourished. Re-training my nervous system to be strong.

 

Fall into more play and “tantrums” to express myself, instead of using words. More humor. It's a different flavor of energy. I like it.

 

Remember to ground. Breathe. Remember my Hands on Thighs Practice. Push my thoughts outside of myself, and into the world. Presence. Presence is the answer.

 

I AM RESONSIBLE FOR THE STATE OF BEING I BRING TO ANY MOMENT. It’s on me to create life force if I’m afraid; afraid of not getting what I want, feeling something, etc. To work with this, I can just go into the fear, fully. Feel it all. Open up. Embrace that I’m afraid. Let it own me. 

 

Often times when I’m anxious, it’s because I’m out of integrity with some part of my heart, soul, or who I am. Is there something I’m not doing in order to be in integrity with myself? There is shit that I know I need to be doing, to feel aligned... and if I haven’t been doing it, I’ve been feeling anxious. This is different than Fear.

 

Part of my Mens Work is to get really honest and clear about where I’m out of integrity with my own truth.

 

There's a Masculine tendency to end a feeling or experience that we don’t like.

 

In every trigger; there is a gift. The result of my parents failing to Show Up or do the Work; is that I’m fiercely committed to that myself. So I hold other Men to that standard in my sphere. I think that’s a gift. 

 

Lack of awareness shows up as: judgement, defensiveness, withholding, people pleasing…. That’s the unconscious relating with the masculine.

 

Grieve for the Love I didn’t get from my parents. Maybe I have already. What didn’t I get from my Father that I needed?

 

All of my practices are not just about me. Not about me getting something. Winning. Not feeling. Getting a partner to do something. Making more money- Nope. None of this. There’s something greater; the collective tribe. I feel that what I’m doing and what I’m trying to cultivate will serve, help, inspire others. When I plug into humanity, I find I have a deeper gear. 

 

The body is the subconscious mind. So if I want to change the way of my habits, karma, destiny- I have to change my body. Have to elevate my body- breath, movement, meditation, food, bodywork, etc.

 

On Changing Myself: As I go deeper into changing the state of my body-mind… I'm noticing that my entire body chemistry is changing. Hormones. Heart. Mind. Personality. I'm starting to have a different experience. I’m physically different. My awareness is growing. So, I’m cultivating better thoughts, different feelings, different perspectives, different experiences. Joe Dispenza does work around this; measuring heartwaves after deep practice. And this isn't just happening randomly. I’m showing up every day, with all my heart, to practice. More than ever before. With intention. This is different. I’m feeling everything. And everything is changing.

 

Occuring World idea: "The world appears as a place that is not safe for me to express my deepest desire." So my Occuring Worlds can take the shape of my relationship to people, the world, abundance, money…. Basically Occurring World = It’s not safe for me to shine. Shift: I have all the time I need to do everything I want. LIFE IS NOT A BURDEN. This becomes part of my transmission. 

 

Almost every complaint I have stems from my occurring world story. So then... manifestation is the result of my occurring world. How am I viewing the world, really? And is it true? Or did I make this up?

 

BREATH IS CENTRAL TO EMBODIMENT. MORE. BREATHWORK. ALWAYS. Breathing deepens anything I do.

 

I need clear intent.

 

Hold other Men accountable.

 

If I want to offer my FULL firey, blunt thoughts and feelings to someone: Ask them first, if I can be High Flame for a moment.

 

My judgement is almost always projection. Both positive and negative projections happen. Same with resentment. Practice: I’m judging you to be a man that __________ . Then feel into my heart, where I do the same thing. And then say, “Just like me”. If I do that enough, I bring awareness. There is a tendency to get what I focus on.

 

RUTHLESS SELF REFLECTIONS.

 

I have to honor my heart, by creating structure around the impulse of my heart. If my strongest impulse is to hike in the mountains; schedule it. If I just flow with my feminine, it might be months before I get out there.

 

Meditation: Sit for 30 mins with “Whats the deepest impulse of my heart that I need to honor and create structure for?”

 

Any thoughts I have around “I have to do more, do better, it's never enough, etc.” = Residue of the toxic masculine in my psyche. My Sacred Masculine creates space and structure for the impulse of my heart. What is wanting to come through me now and how do I create space for that?

 

On Holding Space, Emotions, Sex: Half of my awareness on consciousness itself, wrapped around them... and half on the heart and love that I am. I can be aware and in both of these. This is fluid, though. Holding Space should be moving. With structure and awareness. 

 

I can have it all. Family. Friends. Love. Sex. Cats. Nature. Everything.  This is a deep practice. Having it ALL, really means having what I want and need. I can create what I want to create. 

 

Impulse Discovery: If I wake up tomorrow and didn’t have to worry about Money, what would I do? Follow this. In many ways, the next right thing to do, is what feels good.

 

What do I have to do today to die complete?

 

Be with the beauty of my life and let it unfold, instead of pushing to get somewhere because of old programming.

 

When I imagine the outcome of something, VISUALIZE THE OUTCOME THAT I WANT.

 

My heart is the answer through which my truth comes. 

 

If I have a sense of burden in my life, I’m probably not doing enough that feels good.

 

SITTING! <3 Practice: Sit and do nothing for an hour, meticulously. No phone. Notepad is ok. No meditation, breathing exercises, etc. I just let my body be in the moment and let everything come through. I exist with NOW in the most relaxed, energetic way I can. I just do nothing and let it be. And I see what comes up. I have been doing this daily. 

 

The capacity to do nothing is a skill. This is a place of regeneration. Write what I get inspired to do. Attend to the things that come up while I’m doing nothing, AFTER I’m done doing nothing. Trust what comes through in this space. I let life fill me with what she wants to. I can do nothing, anywhere. 

 

Tibetan Buddhism claims that enlightenment comes through that part of my heart that aches/feels pain/throbs for Love, or Her. So be with that part. And feel the other Men who have experienced what I have. Enlightenment comes through the feeling of ache.

 

Sometimes I can’t get through a resentment by feeling it deeper. So then, I need to elevate my state of being beyond what I habitually do. That elevation is to do contrary action. 

 

Freedom comes from letting go, instead of the battle. The battle is the broken heart. 

 

Create containers to honor my own feminine. Give myself 10 mins to scream, or move, or have a tantrum. Permission to dance all night at a show. Anything that allows me to express or move emotion. Even call up a brother, and say 'Hey, I need help in creating a container for my feminine.' I have to lead my own feminine. So it doesn’t leak out or explode. 

 

Dark Love is a chord in the art of sexual polarity and intimacy. Just like sharpening consciousness is a chord. So, of course, I have to practice these chords. My capacity to use the chord is a function of my practice, and adapting my body speaks to the movements within that chord. 

 

There will be some resistance when I learn a new chord, because I haven’t practiced that chord. Playful out through that limitation and see what comes out on the other side.

 

More play. My Feminine responds beautifully to play. This is a chord as well. 

 

Joy comes out of the top of my heart and throat. Open it up. 

 

Learning to live in the space of feeling everything all the time. Like a meditative Theta State. 

 

The more I practice, the more sensitized I get to the world. 

 

There is an entire way of living that nobody ever told me actually existed. A way of an Embodied Experience... a way of S*xuality... a way of looking at Women, and the World, that no-one ever taught me. So, I’m immersing myself as much as I can, for as long as I can. I made a decision that this way of living is a priority, as much as my business, my artwork, my cats, my family, friends, food, etc… And I need to schedule my life to make it a priority. Anything I want to do or be, I have to make it a priority. If I don’t make it a priority, and in a year or two, I’m feeling the same- it’s because I didn’t make it a f*cking priority. Deepening, and being in my body- is my priority right now.

 

What do I need vs. what do I think I need? Question how I need it. Do I really need it that way? Is that too much to ask? Am I asking someone to do something that they can’t?

 

Great Masculine Practice: Be with Chaos, without collapse. The more feminine my being is, the less structured I am; mentally, physically, emotionally. Less "rational". So the deeper I go into my feminine, the more flow and chaos I’m in. If I decide as a Masculine partner/friend to really love a feminine being... and I want the feminine, I want the wild heart, I want devotion… I’m stepping in to take on everything that they’re bringing. Am I down for Loving EVERYTHING? (Ex. daddy issues, traumas, etc.). Yes.

 

I can be IN chaos, energetically IN IT. Or feeling it with my awareness wrapped around it.

How committed to love am I beyond my own comfort, and what I want to do? Most of the time what I want to do, tends to be less memorable than loving somebody that deeply.

 

How do I end a relationship with integrity and dignity? Structure. If I own my purpose and truth, it connects deeply with the feminine. What can I do to alleviate any pain a partner is still carrying about our relationship? What do I regret most? What am I most grateful for in her? What does she need to say to me, for us to be clear? Offer process, structure, timing. Need to give some space for the process.

 

Own the parts of me that could be rageful, sadistic, and vengeful. It’s freeing. And it’s in ALL of us. It's primal energy stuck in the limbic system. Somewhere along the line, our human lineage was laregly abusers and destructors. 

 

Face my karmic demon. What is the thing that I’ve really avoided? Generally there is an event, or moment from childhood, where I was terrified- like when my parents fought. "I must be bad. I'm confused. I can't do anything right.", etc. Be with my inner child in that moment, feeling that his parents are going to leave, and I don’t understand why they’re screaming and being violet, blaming each other. So, these feelings can come up whenever there’s a fight, or someone is leaving/abdanoment. 

My heritage lives in my limbic system. 

 

If I want a heart to bloom open for me: I have to be deeply tethered to consciousness, fully in my body, owning desire in a s*xual moment, and directional.

 

Do I have a rejection wound that I haven’t fully dealt with? 

Nobody is attractice, when they're thinking about themselves. Remember: Breathe deeper. Get in my legs more. The bottoms of my feet. Root. Feel outwards.

 

What if I trusted in the wisdom of my body? What was my body feeling that disappeared? Losing desire can be a result of self referencing, or she’s not giving me energy. I need to stay in the experience. And guide. 

 

I underestimate how much solitude I need, and how much time I need with Men.

 

My purpose doesn’t have to be HUGE. And it’s highly personal. It’s what life is wanting me to do. With full commitment. My first few purposes in life were a result of old programming and childhood influences. I’m stripping away the bullshit and getting to: WHAT IS MY HEARTS TRUTH?

 

Pushing past where I want to give up, or where I want to close, is where there is the greatest gain (ex. last few reps working out. Last few seconds during a yoga practice). Hold it, and continue to open past where I want to give up. This is the same with my nervous system. My capacity to hold my own emotional chaos; grief, anger, etc. is nervous system training.

 

If I’m feeling malnourished, it’s because I’m not letting myself be loved deeply by one person at a time. I’m not really allowing my body, heart.. to take in a person’s positive regard. And my masculine malnourishment is a byproduct of that. 

 

My practices aren’t about clearing every feeling I have. It’s about facing it. Feeling it. With a container of Love. I always tried to face my feelings by myself. Another Man witnessing me, and Loving me, while I’m in my grief, pain, sadness... has helped re-wire my nervous system. 

 

Part of the masculine issue in relationship is wanting absolutes. I can love the f*ck out of everyone who is in my life, who isn’t, and even those who’ve transgressed across my deepest terms. 

 

How is life asking me to Show Up?

 

Don't underestimate the tender fragility of letting myself be loved.

 

Sometimes my feminine hijacks my best masculine plans. Addiction in general is exactly this. Internet, food, drugs, etc. Addiction is my feminine. My masculine can recognize the feminine in my emotional body. 

 

Most masculine beings will plow right through feeling, with no awareness. The feminine, if ignored, will get violent and destructive. My masculine gift to my feminine is the freedom of my heart. So if I’m aware enough to notice what’s happening, before I get derailed by my own feminine, then I can do something else. 

 

If I’m collapsing; Who can I love? Who needs my love? 

 

Exhaustion is an excuse for closure. 

 

'God' could be: feeling everything, moving, always changing. AND feeling the infinite, unchanging oneness. Practice is the capacity to feel one, or the other of these things. A moment has consciousness, and energy. The deepest practice is feeling one, or the other, or both, fully. Most bodies are not open enough to feel past a surface level. Can I feel the life and energy around me more? I’ve deepened. Can I feel the part of me that never changes. I’ve depended. And from this place, action is born. 

 

I want to feel every moment. For as long as it lasts.

 

I love my s*xuality.

 

Of course, people can deepen while drinking - or in any addiction. But if I’m in ANY addictive cycle; whether it's food or hard drugs- I’m closing. The nature of an addictive cycle is closure. If my truth is: I’m not OK with this, and I’m doing it anyways- I’m going to close. 

 

Who really, isn’t addicted to something? Be aware of my addictions and open through them. It is possible to be fully in an addictive cycle and be fully open. But most people aren’t deep enough in practice to do that. Some people can do it: be wasted, and fully open. But the level of practice needed to do that is absolutely ridiculous. 

 

For me, it doesn’t get any better than naturally feeling and doing everything. Sometimes, I add some mushrooms to my practice, to intensify feeling. But I can create the most beautiful, sublime states through my practice, naturally. In all my years in active addiction, I’ve never felt as high as when I’m deep in practice. It really doesn’t get any better. 

 

The moment something becomes a problem, and I’m ignoring it, it’s very hard to not close. Any time I feel like the moment is intolerable, and I want to go to something, instead of working through it, then I'm closing. 

 

The masculine desire to numb, comes from my belief that something is missing from this moment; a level of freedom, release, etc. So in that space, I need something to numb that pain. The masculine desire for freedom is so pervasive. If I reach for the phone, I’m not looking for freedom. I’m looking to be filled with something. I think it really comes down to personal integrity. 

 

Boredom is selfishness. It’s a way of saying I’m Not Satisfied with this present moment. 

 

Fantasy is an escape. That can be an addiction too. 

 

Feel in with my mind, out with my body. Be present. Be present. Fantasy is a way to not be present. 

 

Contrary Action: Some of the deepest spiritual practice is Men or Eomen who are dissatisfied with the present moment, and have trained themselves to Love in these moments. Saw this all the time in AA/NA.

 

Fidgeting is my nervous system’s lack of capacity to be with the present moment. Non-linear movement practices allow me to find places where I store stuff. 

 

The nature of fidgeting is self reference. I’ve had this constant shaking leg issue since I was a very very young child. In middle school I unconsciously ripped off all of my eyebrows because of what was going on at home. My nervous system being disregulated is largely a result of my childhood experiences. Self referencing is like a weird tick of checking that I’m okay and still here. 

 

Notice the impact that my self referencing has on other people. Self referencing is unconscious. Self referencing is a ripple that closes the space, if its done unconsciously. If done consciously, it has little effect. Notice my fidgeting and it’s impact. Self referencing is around what I want. What I need. It’s not necessarily what the moment is calling for. 

 

Deepen and slow my breath!

 

Move gently. Softly. With intention. With awareness.

 

Stage 1: Doing it for me.

Stage 2: Doing it for others.

Stage 3: Doing it for Love. 

 

Boundaries are overrated in service of Love.

 

Don’t just do the same thing over and over. My brain gets trained into lack of creativity this way. I need this creativity in every moment. Makes me think of Sacred Goofiness. Sacred Humor: I am so committed to love, that I use all of my skills to make others smile and open their hearts. 

 

Self awareness is so important. Be so very aware of why I am doing something. 

 

I'm creating a set of skills to bring to certain moments. What skill does the moment need?

 

Masculine practice is usually meant for other men, solo practice, and s*xual moments. Or moments where I literally have to hold someone’s feminine.

 

Own my feelings. Don’t always be in my masculine. Come out of the cave and tussle with the feminine. Don't be afraid. Remember to split my awareness.

 

If a partner is in their masculine, I can go into my feminine and be devotional to her. If my masculine is awareness, then how do I use my feminine (body, breath, action) to open her? Some level of play. Or stillness/meditation/consciousness can drop someone into their feminine.

 

Go forward. The only way out, is through.

 

Almost every feminine bad mood is a feeling of not being loved enough. How do I blast a partner with love in a way that can make her feel better? 

 

Most every masculine bad mood is around not being free. 

 

Practices to Remember: QiGong Practice for Grounding and Circulating Energy. Organ Grounding Meditation. Macrocosmic Orbit Practice. I Cannot Lose Love Practice. 3 Part Breath Chi Generator Practice. Manifestation Mantra Practice.

 

We have a LOT of f*cking work to do collectively.

 

 

 

Stretch: The rest of 2021, I will do this Work. With all my Heart. The level of production of my artwork and tech business will suffer; but not to the destruction of my balance, health, or lifestyle. I will still do those things. But I am creating intentional space for this work, for the rest of 2021, 8-10 hours per day. I don't want to do one 45 min practice per day right now. I want to go deep, focused, and intentional. I will re-balance, re-evaluate, on January 2022. I need to do this, for me, my family, ancestors, lovers, friends.... and all humans I connect with. All relationships.

 

My focus for the rest of the year:

 

> Mens Group Work

> Mens 1 on 1 Work

> Masculine/Feminine Embodiment & Leadership

> Virtual Workshops / In-person Trainings

> Kundalini

> Breathwork

> Tantra

> Spiritual Intimacy

> Sexuality / Sexual Polarity

> Body Work

> Ancestral Work

> Somatic Experiencing

 

At the end of the year, I probably won't recognize the current iteration of my Self.

 

I have intention. I have a plan. I feel clear in my purpose. I have support. I'm taking action. 

 

Deeper I go.

 

If you got this deep, thank you for reading...

To be continued.... To be discovered... With Love.

...

Want to hear/learn more? Listen to Men's Group Reflections from 2020, and Reflections from Spring 2021.

Throughout my life, I’ve been surrounded by smokers: My grandfather, father, and step-mother – all smokers. And guess what? They all have cancer. Growing up with the smell of tobacco lingering in my nostrils allowed me develop a keen hatred for smokers. This hatred has now evolved into addiction and dependence. I can attribute this to my social surroundings and careless nutrition habits. Part of smoking involves the act of deep breathing, and I know that helps calm me down too. I'm aware can I can do breathwork without the extra nicotine, It's also stimulating, and a way for me to take a break from people. I struggle with nicotine every day. Unfortunately, New England is an area with some of the highest lung cancer rates in the country². However, clearly I’m not the only addict in recent memory. Cancer Facts & Figures 2010¹ states: “Lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in the United States for both men and women.” As a potential client of the 1.3 million deaths worldwide since 2004³, I felt compelled to learn more about my potential disease.

Lung cancer derives from uncontrollable cell growth in lung tissue. This growth may facilitate metastasis, which stretches beyond the lungs. Most lung cancers are carcinomas of the lung from epithelial cells. Since starting smoking, I’ve experienced numerous symptoms that lead to lung cancer: Dyspnea, hemoptysis, wheezing, chest pain, and cachexia. Though I may not have already contracted the disease, I have educated myself further on a practice beyond healthy nutrition habits that could save my life: Stop smoking cigarettes. 

Lung cancers are classified by histological type, distinguished by size and appearance of the malignant cells seen only under a microscope. These two types are non-small cell (NCSLC) and small-cell lung carcinoma (SCLC). NSCLC “refers to a subset of cancer types that account for approximately 70% of lung cancers, including squamous cell carcinoma of the lung, large cell carcinoma of the lung, and adenocarcinoma of the lung⁷.” Conversely, SCLC is responsible for approximately 15% of bronchogenic carcinomas. However, deaths resulting from SCLC in the United States have decreased during the past few decades. “Without treatment, SCLC has the most aggressive clinical course of any type of pulmonary tumor, with median survival from diagnosis of only 2 to 4 months.  SCLC is more responsive to chemotherapy and radiation therapy; however, a cure is difficult to achieve because SCLC has a greater tendency to be widely disseminated by the time of diagnosis. It is the cancer most commonly associated with paraneoplastic syndromes, including the syndrome of inappropriate antidiuretic hormone secretion, paraneoplastic cerebellar degeneration, and Lambert-Eaton myasthenic syndrome⁹.”

During my research, I stumbled across a breakthrough for NSCLC. “Research at Virginia Commonwealth University Massey Cancer Center led by Charles E. Chalfant, Ph.D., associate professor of biochemistry and molecular Biology, discovered a previously unknown mechanism in non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC) cells that contributes to their ability to maintain and grow tumors. Narrowing in on this mechanism could provide a breakthrough for the development of effective therapies for NSCLC and other cancers.”¹⁰ But wait, there’s even more hope. A new inhalable dry powder treatment has displayed increasing survival rates, facilitating less radiation or surgery and preventing more toxins from polluting the body. “Current lung cancer treatments can be grueling and take a significant toll on the patient," said Raimar Löbenberg from the University of Alberta. "Our results show that this treatment method may not only increase someone's survival rate but could also potentially be less toxic to the body."¹¹

Since cancer develops in our airways, it makes sense that this prevention of airflow would cause breathing problems. This may facilitate secretion accumulation behind the blocked airway, exposing the victim to contraction of pneumonia. In addition, numerous lung cancers are rich in blood supply. So, if these cells are sensitive, blood my come from the cancer into the airways and essentially coughed out of the mouth. Tumors like Lambert-Eaton myasthenic syndrome, hypercalcemia, or syndrome of inappropriate antidiuretic hormone (SIADH) may also attract the disease. Tumors sitting on top of the lung causes altered sweat patterns and eye muscle issues because brachial plexus invasion.

I found throughout my studies that almost 90% of lung cancer developed across the world is because of smoking⁴. Particularly of cigarettes, because this smoke contains over 60 known carcinogens, radioisotopes resulting from radon decay, nitrosamine, and benzopyrene. Nicotine also depresses the immune system reaction to malignant growth in tissue that is exposed⁵. Even exposure to wood smoke destroys the lungs, increasing risk of COPD and related pulmonary problems. "When cigarette smokers are exposed to wood smoke their risk of having reduced lung function increases," explained Yohannes Tesfaigzi, Ph.D. senior scientist and director of COPD Program at the Lovelace Respiratory Research Institute, where the research was completed. "Cigarette smokers who have both changes in sputum DNA and are exposed to wood smoke have a synergistically increased risk of having reduced lung function and other indicators of COPD such as chronic mucous hypersecretion."⁶ Other causes of lung cancer include passive smoking, radon gas, asbestos, viruses, and particulate matter. Clearly, exposure is what kills.

There are multiple ways to treat lung cancer. Diagnosing the disease begins with a chest radiograph. If this does not suffice, a bronchoscopy or CT scan may be needed. Treating lung cancer depends on the cell type, spread, and infected person’s performance.  Treatments include surgery, chemotherapy, and radio therapy. There are also various nutritional recommendations depending on present symptoms and treatment is endured by the patient. These options can be reviewed at the Health Castle’s Lung Cancer Diet & Treatment website. Most side effects subside after treatment, so a person can gradually resume a normal diet upon recovery. If a healthy weight and diet are stabilized, a person may begin to pursue appropriate healthy exercise and eating habits specific to their needs.

Combating lung cancer should be apparent by this point. Preventing lung cancer is one of the most cost-effective ways to prevent manifestation. Avoiding tobacco smoke of any kind must be the main foal for prevention. Even though we may never be able to escape smoke because of our social surroundings, we can avoid directly inhaling potential cancer. Long term supplement use of multi-vitamins like C, E, and folate don’t reduce risk. Conversely, this may actually increase the risk of lung cancer.

Smoke seems to be the source of lung cancer issues, even though lung cancer was around before the mass adoption of this terrible habit. Everything unhealthy results from smoke, especially the leading cause of cancer deaths in our World. Bottom line, young kids, and myself, need to stop smoking. Happiness and health are on the horizon.

Resources

¹http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/CancerCauses/TobaccoCancer/tobacco-related-cancer-fact-sheet

²http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/lung/statistics/state.htm

³http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs297/en/

⁴http://www.ctsu.ox.ac.uk/~tobacco/

⁵http://www.nature.com/nri/journal/v2/n5/full/nri803.html

⁶http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100715090651.htm

⁷http://www.virtualmedicalcentre.com/diseases.asp?did=709

⁸Govindan R, Page N, Morgensztern D, et al.: Changing epidemiology of small-cell lung cancer in the United States over the last 30 years: analysis of the surveillance, epidemiologic, and end results database. J Clin Oncol 24 (28): 4539-44, 2006

⁹http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/treatment/small-cell-lung/HealthProfessional

¹⁰http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101203113241.htm

¹¹http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101115142005.htm

¹²http://www.healthcastle.com/lung_cancer_diet.shtml

¹³Understanding Normal & Clinical Nutrition, 8^th Edition

Nutrient Intake & RDA

Overall, my nutrient intake does not meet the recommended dietary allowance for healthy people. During a minimum two out of three days; meat, beans, vegetables, and grains intake all fell below recommended consumption. In contrast to humans who intake nutrient amounts above the RDA, I may be developing health problems caused by nutrient deficiency. My nutrient stores are clearly declining, which is facilitating poor future health and deficiency symptoms. However, I am getting more than the RDA for nutrients like vitamin A, B12, C, and thiamin; all very important nutrients for which deprivation can cause both rapid and long term deficiency development. On the other hand, my daily milk and fruit intake met their respective RDA¹. 

My AMDR vs. RDA

As people, we generate our energy from foods which contain carbohydrates, protein, and fat. After applying the acceptable macronutrient distribution ranges of 55%, 15%, and 30%, respectively, my recommended food energy diet of 2578 kcal/day should break down as follows²:

• 1,417.9 kcal/day from carbohydrates
• 386.7 kcal/day from proteins
• 773.4 kcal/day from fat

When compared to RDA’s values for nutrients, energy recommendations are far from generous. Surplus energy is stored as body fat because it’s not readily disposed by the body. So, obesity and any associated health complications could result; even though these reserves are very important when availability of food is limited². Regardless, this proper contribution of a healthy diet would provide the necessary energy and nutrients for my body and help battle against chronic diseases³.

Nutrient Dense Foods Consumed

Remember, the “more nutrients and the fewer kcalories, the higher the nutrient density⁴”. My 3 day diet did not consist of many high nutrient-dense foods. However, the foods I did consume which provided the most amount of nutrients for the lowest amount of energy included: 

• Fruit (apples, 100% orange juice) – Provides vitamins, complex carbohydrates, protein, fiber, and other nutrients like iron and magnesium; naturally low in sodium and fat.  To maintain my current weight, my diet recommends I intake at least 2 cups of fruit equivalent per day.
• Grains (cereals, whole grain breads) – Similar nutritional value as fruit. My average grain consumption nearly satisfied a recommended intake of 6.5 oz equivalent per day.
• Vegetables (blueberries) – Among others, a key source of potassium, folic acid, vitamins A, E, and C. Only consumption via blueberry bagel. My daily vegetable intake is far below the recommended 2 cup daily equivalent⁵.

Short & Long Term Implications of Current Diet⁶⁷

One constant I’ve realized throughout this study is that I’m destroying my body. The lack of/overindulgence in food in selected areas has been supporting my body’s deterioration process, rather than preserve it for the long term.

As a young adult, I haven’t noticed nor expect any immediate signs of disease and illness due to my unhealthy diet. However, I can physically and mentally notice how my body reacts to what I consume each day. I refuse to knowingly contribute to my life’s possible end. I must learn to maintain a proper diet for a longer duration, facilitating healthier natural habits. This takes nothing but an inner willingness to help my body. I’m afraid that if I continue to unhealthily fluctuate my various nutrient and energy consumption, increased weakness, illness, and disease exist in my future. 

Ups, Downs, & Exchange Lists⁸

To help adjust serving sizes, I pulled the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute⁹ as a valuable resource. However, the types of food I consumed did not prove too difficult for serving size calculations; especially considering my carefully logged records of food and beverage intake throughout the project. 

I thoroughly enjoyed learning about (what should be) a priority to every individual person; health. This project has developed my detailed understanding regarding numerous factors that influence my individual health. I can now appropriately adjust and prepare my diet for extraordinary future benefits. 

My only perceived “downside” would be a lack of user compatibility in mypyramidtracker.gov. It was odd to navigate and proved difficult modifying entry errors. In fact, I contacted a representative working for the service looking for help, and they advised that a site upgrade is in the near future. Regardless, the site did provide very valuable platform for generating and tracking personal health.

Future Diet Plan: Change

I have ceased all smoking abuse, and have never had a problem with over-indulging in alcohol. I have begun the pursuit of a vegetarian diet, selecting nutrient dense foods first for replenishment and healthy sources of energy. This alone will help me prevent disease and use of medications, as I am against the use of any supplements in my personal development. I would like to maintain a thin, lean look at around 160 pounds, so stabilizing daily physical activity is a must. I hope to do aerobic activity at least four times per week, while focusing on muscle development for at least three times per week. This will also allow me to reduce and work off any stress accumulated during physical activity down-time. Exercise is a major source for my personal stress relief, facilitating the control of any ensuing depression. My teeth have become a bit yellow from smoking, so I will hope to strengthen my gums and whiten my teeth.  I’ve noticed I am routinely dehydrated, so drinking more than four glasses of water per day is another must. Creativity and planning come natural to me, as I am addicted to change and mental development. I would love to indulge more in recreational living, but I have financial obligations towards school that must be remedied before I may pursue other life interests. Most importantly, I will remember to enjoy the small amount of time I have left on this Earth.

Resources

¹Understanding Normal and Clinical Nutrition (8^th Edition), p.19

²See AMDR Calculation, attached spreadsheet “AMDR”

³Understanding Normal and Clinical Nutrition (8^th Edition), p.18

⁴Understanding Normal and Clinical Nutrition (8^th Edition), p.38

⁵http://www.mypyramidtracker.gov

⁶http://www.livestrong.com/article/233925-long-short-term-benefits-of-a-healthy-diet/

⁷http://www.livestrong.com/article/196136-the-long-term-effects-of-an-unhealthy-diet/

⁸Understanding Normal and Clinical Nutrition (8^th Edition), Exchange Lists, p.47

⁹http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/public/heart/obesity/lose_wt/fd_exch.htm

¹⁰ Understanding Normal and Clinical Nutrition (8^th Edition), Table 16-4: Strategies for Growing Old Healthfully, p.576