Identity

A nugget around “Identity” that has come through in my writing during this cocooning period grieving five deaths of those that I love this year.

In a way, I get to choose my identity (my identity of Self). And I don’t (how others identify me). For a large chunk of my 20’s, I was especially grappling with my identity. Not sure who I really was, how I fit in this world, what’s mine to do, or how I want to be. My identity was largely formed during those years based on my perception of how others would like to see or experience me.

Integrity is very much so tied to how I identify. If I think something about myself, yet don’t actually move in that way… then I just feel like I’m full of shit.

In my 20’s, I recall a day where it felt like my identity was totally split:

I started a day waking up in a car, in the dead of winter, without a home. I’m a homeless man.

I made a couple moves to make money. I’m a hustler.

I do drugs throughout my day. I’m an addict.

I make love with a woman. I’m a lover.

I share something with a friend. They fill in the blanks and reflect a story that isn’t true. I don’t correct them, because they like the story they made up. And so they like me. I’m lonely.

I go to the library to program and try to build a business. I’m an entrepreneur.

Throughout my day, I don’t really know who I am, or what I’m doing, or why. I’m lost.

I cry myself to sleep. I’m in pain.

I abruptly awake. I draw in a notebook, and write in my diary. I’m an artist.

Before I fall asleep again, a white owl flys into my window. I am Spirit. To this day, I carry the question…. “Who am I?”.

Now, my answer is always the same.

"I am.”

The less I label, or identify myself internally, the more I allow myself to just be, as I am, without shame, fear, or guilt. Call me whatever you want; I am just a messy human, wading his way through life, one moment at a time… exploring, embracing, learning, growing, changing…. Constantly. My identity is a moving target.

I will be sitting with this topic a lot more. I want to get more clarity around my identity and what that means to me. This is what’s alive for me right now.

What does ‘identity’ mean to you?

Who are you?