Learning About Myself As A Man in Relationship

Saturday, June 19, 2021


This feels Vulnerable to share. But I don't think I'm alone. My life is not a private affair, anymore. My experiences and lessons are only made useful if shared.

Thank you for holding this with your Heart...


Why am I here? To give unconditional Love. To be of Sacred Service. To make Art with my Life. To inspire, enliven, deepen. To help others. To be a walking renaissance. To open others. Open myself. My purpose doesn’t have to be anyone else’s. I’m constructing my life in a way that serves this. And this is alignment/integrity. If I’m here to fully let go, then I work on 10 projects to distract myself- I’m not in alignment with what it is I say, and I’ll feel that. 


How do I express my deepest purpose as a part of my consciousness, in a container like Mens Groups? If I’m here to LET GO, am I letting go? Maybe letting go means stripping away everything that is not the core expression of my consciousness. 


SIT IN THE MUD. The impulse of what I need to do comes from Stillness. It doesn’t come from always moving. Whatever is the most true for me- Own it. The lotus flower blooms from a muddy swamp. 


Connection happens through the body. 


By opening up to each other, I give the other person a chance/invitation to rise. 


We are constantly magnetizing shallowness or depth.


Check in and ask for containers for expression before communicating some things. Don’t just dump out all my raw emotions. It can be hurtful.


Noticing other Men that have a hard time saying “I Love You”, even to other Men. Maybe because of never truly experiencing it? Maybe because of a perception that love is ownership, or something like that? I think if you’ve experienced love, felt love, acted from a place of love… offering it to another is an act of grace and connection. A beautiful gift of empathy, understanding, embrace, integrity, vulnerability, and acceptance.


If people don’t respond the way I want them to respond to my Love, that’s my problem. There’s a shadow here.


We withhold our love out of fear of it not being received how we want it to be. 


Does it serve the World for us to go deeper? For us to be in relationship? We have to own what we want. 


I will not have sex unless there’s a deep profound intimacy. I’m here to magnetize deep love. What form it takes is not up to me. Could be a lifetime or a weekend. I’m asking myself: Will it serve for us to go deeper? I’m here to magnetize deep intimacy. Whatever supports that purpose, I’m existing in, and waiting. I’ll have no trouble finding a partner who wants to connect with a Man who is that connected to his core. I can feel people dying for it. So, FEEL when considering sex: Does it serve the world to deepen with this person? 


I need a very specific kind of energy in a partner; incredibly devotional, energetic, feminine to the point of almost crazy. Like the tropics in monsoon season. Owning, admitting, and stepping into that is important. I have to own what I want. Discover what I want. And if what I want is the deepest connection with someone- that is okay. That’s beautiful. I don’t want to fuck somebody that can’t feel my heart, and I can’t feel hers… and the Gods are not smiling. 


I am young. I have the best love, experiences of my life all waiting for me. Even though there is deep loss, I have an entire life ahead of beauty. 


Speaking my deep truth into the world: I’m going to magnetize the most beautiful love and deepest experiences.

Remember to own my jealousy with structure and a container.


I have a feminine emotional body. A masculine spiritual body. A masculine relationship to my physical body. And two equal parts feminine and masculine sexual body.


I’m creating containers for the feminine emotional body that I have. Breath + Awareness = Structure. The person who has deeper breath and keener awareness holds the masculine pole at any moment. If I want to polarize relationship, I have to have deeper breath than partner.


Humor is important, but don’t reject my own feminine. It’s not wrong to be fiery and emotional, if I have structure. It can be as simple as expressing me emotion in a couple sentences.

I have found lots of different containers and practices for my wild heart. 


Accountability: Am I willing to send $1,000$ per day to a charity for every day I miss a practice? Fuck yes.


There’s a nutrient that comes from a Man’s love that doesn’t want anything from you. Doesn’t need anything from you. Just sees you. I’m remembering that I just want to be with people because they’re good for my soul and I love them. I don’t need anything else.. 


Maybe I haven’t chose women that truly inspire me because I’m afraid of being abandoned. Maybe I’ve chose women that won’t demand my deepest consciousness. I’m identifying what I actually need in a partner. Not settling for the security, cuddling, or sex..  What’s coming through is a deep understanding that I need a feminine partner that does x, y, z.


Nothing can emulate the freedom of my consciousness that I am. Not Aya-journeys, drugs, alcohol. Nothing.

I learn so much when I’m in extreme pain.


I wasn’t raised with a healthy masculine or feminine, so it’s hard to trust people some times. It’s not my fault. 


There’s no shortcuts to this stuff. Even though the Masculine loves short cuts- like, “just get there fast, and end.” I have to just dive deep. 


There is lots of beautiful deep shit men can do together without drugs or drinking. 


I’ve allowed a lot of what has happened in the culture of our relationship. I can see now that this not what I want. I must be in integrity with my terms, who I am, and what I want, or I’ll resent my partner, myself and numb out. It’s never too late to define/re-define terms. Her hurting me is not acceptable. But I take full responsibility for what I‘ve allowed in the relationship. I did not lead us well. I blame me. And I have a plan moving forward. 


I find myself playing more when I cuts/jabs thrown at me, being more artful. It’s like little tests to see if I’ll open or close.


The byproduct of not expressing my truth is numbness. I become numb because I’m choking on truth. 


Sometimes, everything I try doesn’t work. And the Shadow is I’m a failure. So, own it. Choking on my truth as a masculine being is the worst. I’m feeling into the part of me that is an absolute failure. Not repressing this shadow. 


What is life asking me to feel?


I can’t make conscious decisions when I have unprocessed feelings.


I’m surrendering and staying open in the midst of my failures. Keeping my heart open. It’s difficult art. And different from just trying harder, or closing up.


Surrendering into my regret. Letting my heart make the song of regret. 


Underneath my anger is a shadow of a needy little boy who just wants to be loved. 


My psyche can actually spit out images that are my shadow images. 


Maybe the Feminine responsibility in relationship is a responsive heart to the moment. A responsive, expressed heart. Not necessarily integrity. There is a certain masculine capacity that I can demand. It’s just a different then knowing I need a woman who has a wild heart, and learn to be with that, and see if we can do it. Discovering what primary energy I crave from a partner that makes me feel alive- Wild? Nourishing? Expressive? Devotional? Loves, Love?


Get clear about what I crave in a partner: Devotion to Love. And that needs to be a priority over success. One has to have priority. 


My partner should inspire me around my purpose. Be clear on what I want- Does she love, love? Is she devoted? Then I can lead from there. And I won’t know it’s good for me until things around me reflect that ‘success’. itll be obvious it’s the right energy for me because more of me will become available. 


It’s important to not ignore the red flags of narcissism or whatever comes up. Flirty/sexy fun energy is different from devotion, too. So, what if I want it all?


The deeper I go into practice, the harder it’ll be to find someone who really fits me. 


The right energy lightens me up to brighten the world. Things take time.


Don’t treat relationships as a hobby. The energy my relationship wants, is the same that the world wants. 


The sacred masculine softens the feminine. 


Lead women into their feminine hearts.


Deeper breath and stillness has me in my masculine. I can evoke from my partners all the time, and play in the feminine/masculine polarity of the universe. 


I ned to take responsibility for the direction of the relationship. Be the direction of the relationship. This is massive responsibility. It takes tremendous courage and work. Most guys won’t do it. My deep responsibility is the feminine heart. 


I can use shadows as an ally. Owning shadows are sexy as fuck.


Owning my shadow fully and showing a partner that part of me.


I feel Unseen.


Sometimes, I put on some music for 10 mins, lay on a yoga mat, set a timer for 10 mins, cry and wail and grieve… then get up and see what’s next. This is self care. I have awareness around what I need to do to be more available to the world. 


I can move my awareness anywhere. I always have control over my awareness, and the depth of awareness. And then add my hearts awareness. I can then feel the size and density of it (like a mountain). I can feel wind blowing, birds chirping, stream flowing. I can be aware on a superficial, or deep level. If I’m just aware of my self centered fear, I’ll have no power. I can always go deeper into deepening my awareness. My mind will take me into a place where I have no strength and power. It’s important to remember my racing mind, and still it. It’s useless. Focusing on what others are doing is self-centered fear.


Don’t just read and learn about things. I see so much disconnect between thoughts/words and actions. You can’t just learn about practice, yoga, tantra, whatever else. I have to actually practice, to get it into my body. To really get it. To experience it. I see so many people that take 100 courses, read 100 books- but haven’t actually practiced or experienced it.


How quickly and deep I’m able to go, without being lost in it… feeling everything, and being able to come back to stillness and consciousness, is feeling like a superpower. 


I’m realizing how important it is to do this work in community, and not just by myself. How important it is to see and be seen. How important containers are for different forms of expression. How important trusting another is amongst these spaces.

Chasing a woman who has expressed she’s not interested is one of the most soul crushing things I can do. I just have to take my awareness and put it on everything else in life that is actually worth while. Focus on what is enlivening, and take my awareness off of her. I need to protect myself. I can express desire and be truly honest without chasing anything. Energetic chasing is a waste. Making her more important than consciousness and my purpose is a waste. I need depth more than I need her. I become disconnected from the core of my heart when chasing. I deserve a woman who absolutely wants to surrender her heart. Anything else- I’m wasting my time. 


Ask myself: is it making the world a better place by living in this dynamic with a partner? What would need to change, and how, for a relationship to be a gift to the world? I need to feel inspired, sexuality, desire, passion. There is nothing wrong with wanting this in a partner.


She is not more important than my depth. I made my ex partner more important than my purpose, my connection to the infinite, my openness, and my depth. In that way, I lost before we started. 


I have to grieve the loss of my partner. 


Part of good masculine leadership is to create containers/boundaries/agreements for how things are going to move forward. If things are still kind of sticky, then I don’t have to grieve, and it extends. So… I offer: what I think is best, and how does that feel for you? But when I do this, I have to feel and grieve for what I lost, and not getting what I wanted. My lack of clarity evokes the masculine. Being the structure will evoke the feminine. 


What do I want to do before I die?


If I look at an atom, at it’s very core, it’s 90% empty space, and energy. This is quantum physics. So the masculine and feminine exists there. Feeling into my infinite, empty space- is the masculine. And being aware that this is the basis of my being. The more I put my awareness on that which is nothing, the more I’m identified with the masculine energetic of the cosmos. Acting from my mind- my mind is the feminine. 


If I believe my thoughts, I’ll believe what a woman says is true. The feminine will say all kinds of things, but it’s not necessarily her truth. Maybe the only truth in the feminine heart is: IS THERE LOVE? WHERE IS LOVE? Feminine integrity is about the recognition of love moment to moment. Masculine integrity is the recognition of consciousness. If I want to occur masculine in the world, I need to be more on the side of stillness, infinite nothingness. Moving slower. Talking slower. Slowing my breath. Like… Noticing death. Feeling everything that is dying. Feeling all the life = feminine. Just be aware of it and move it through my body- that’s the practice. 


I’ve let so much happen that is far from my purpose. 


Be clear on my purpose, own it fully, and continue to build my life to support it. 


I can deal with disrespect playfully and without collapsing. And it’s ok to be playful with it one day., then express more firmness later.


There’s no winning in all this. It’s all moment to moment:How does love want to express in this moment?


Tussle in love, and celebrate differences. 


When my relationships end, I feel scared that I’ll never find love. Have love. Be alone. End up alone. This feeling does pass. What helps: a 6 month feminine cleanse. No feminine energy at all. This way, I fall in love with myself and find out who I am on a deeper level. I can’t know who I am amongst all the confusion. Taking this cleanse is hard and painful, but I will know who I am. If I’m in relationship, and I don’t know… let her go, and face death. So during the cleanse: Surrender to the hopelessness of no relationship at all. On the other end of it, the life learning, depth of love, and shift/reset is worth it. I can’t attract the kind of partner I want, while choosing another from a place of being terrified of being alone. I am generally good with being alone. Fresh out of a relationship- it’s hard. I’m finding out who I really am, and then I can create a wonderful loving relationship with it all. When I come out of it, I’m a different Man. 




There’s a practice that takes couples through where we identify the 2-3 areas where we’ve hurt each other most. Then we do a deep excavation of the impact of our behavior on each other. It helps create a fresh start and heal past wounds. I don’t want to make each other wrong for how we think and feel. We only cut each other in this space. So as a masculine partner, I could say- this dynamic for being wrong for how we think and feel, and not having some kind of compassionate mutually respectful way to express ourselves, is over. I’m not interested in this anymore. I’m interested in a loving, conscious way to communicate- so here’s what I suggest: We are doing to do imago dialogue for a year instead of calling each other horrible names.


I have to continue to deepen my capacity to be present and feel. Conscious presence. Own the ways I failed. List it. Own it. And fall on my sword. I did this. And it’s a place of absolute integrity. 


Give my partner all of me. 


She was leaking energy, looking out for another potential partner, for almost the entirety of our relationship, instead of fully being with the relationship. 


Don’t just get into relationship to have comfort. The byproduct of that is uninspired love. If I don’t want to give her all of me, don’t be with her. Or give her all of me for a period of time, and see what that does. 


It was cruel to let herself’s attention wander to other men, and for me to know it. It’s one thing to occasionally notice a beautiful person, but if it’s habitual enough that I can feel the pain around it, and she admits that’s part of what she does - always looking for the next thing - that’s cowardly. So then we either have to Show Up, or create a container for this kind of polyamory. 


Read my relationship inventory to her: I did this with m ex-partner. Here’s how I messed up, let you down, lead you into the arms of another man, neglected you, didn’t show up, didn’t love you… and here’s what I found. And did I miss anything? You can do this exercise once or twice a year and bring it to your partner. “I did not cherish you. I did now show up. I was leaking energy.” Imagine the impact unconscious behavior had on her.


“Ouch” without collapse is a wonderful potion for when my feelings are hurt. I can lean into her breaking my heart. I lean into her hurting me. But that doesn’t mean I take it all the time. 


Admit my shadow to my partner and tell her the impact. Seeing the impact of my shadow on her will free something deep.


Example: “I can imagine how that impacted you. I imagine that you would cry alone. How when I would do that, it crushes your dreams. How it breaks your heart thinking that I’m not your King. I imagine that when I do that, I’m dimming your radiance. I imagine you would have wanted to have sex last night, then you feel guilty. I imagine maybe you snap at the children. I imagine you….”. This is owning the ripple effect of my unconsciousness. Owning it fully and owning the impact. I put myself in her heart and go deep into the impact. It’s not enough to just say I was unconscious about it. Seeing the impact of my unconsciousness on her will free something deep. 


So…. I imagine the impact on you must have been…. (The impact of my shadow being unconsciously projected on to her).


Consciousness seems to be the #1 Feminine complaint.


Remember to thank a lover when they’re right.


Obligatory conversations are a polarity killer. Obviously it’s okay to check in some times, but I really want deep, heartfelt conversation. In general, forced/timed check ins super frequently is pretty neutralizing.


Own the pain around not enough freedom.  The Masculine desires freedom. Feminine desires love. Own the freedom I crave. Acknowledge the pain I’m in for not being free. I can make play around masculine burden too. 


The masculine burden / feminine love-longing will never go away.


Fully support a partner, but don’t accept their neurosis. Do I want to work with that? Will that make the world a better place? Will that expand her? Will that expand me? Then guide into what would support their issues- women’s work, shadow work, therapy, etc. I have to take responsibility and take action. Even a Practice for daddy issues could be: She can grab a bat and beat the shit out of something (Dad) while looking at me. Once I decide I want to be with that, I’m taking responsibility for my partners stuff. 


There is power in taking responsibility for the sins of our fathers. I’m here to help heal you, and be healed by you, in relationship. It’s part of mutual healing, and I’ll give you everything I have… but I need your heart. Not neurosis. It takes balls to be like “I love you, but I’m not going to be your whipping boy”… But I will work through it with her. I see most men pretend it’s not bothering them and go numb and self-pleasure.


The answer to all my questions is in my practice! How relaxed am I? How deep am I breathing? How grounded am I? Can I feel the infinite? How relaxed is my heart? Bring this to every moment.


Acklowedge when a partner is right and I’m not present.


Intentional dialogue is a practice. Or, one where each one of says each other is right. Arguments could be a source of deep stress that needs to be remedied. So take responsibility- and clear. 


My capacity to lead is increased when fully owning where I’m unconscious. 


Saying “You Might be Right” when I can’t fully / authentically look at myself to see if I messed it up, is important. It’s important to acknowledge and own when a partner catches me unconscious. 


I have to live in the pain of not knowing purpose for it to forge. 


Trust the impulses that come through when I’m sitting in stillness and consciousness. I can’t feel into what’s next if I’m always acting and looking for it. Just d nothing and be, and see what comes through. Ask myself questions. Then get feedback from the Men I trust. 


The lotus pod is not thrashing around in the mud. It’s rooting. 


I’m literally getting addicted to stillness and doing nothing meticulously.

Our children need us. Show up. Love them. 2 hour dialogues are great for clearing. We do things we didn’t know we do. Unconscious things. It’s important to clear, even though it’s painful. Get to the convo where they let me have it, if needed.


I sacrificed my heart to let her know that I love her.


When they pull away, let them pull away. 


She withheld her heart, and it broke my heart. I felt her withdraw, and it broke my heart.


Practice: Make an inventory in all the ways I abdicated leadership, and go deep into this. And the impact that has had on her and our relationship. Then I can go to her: Whatever happens with us, I need to own this. Here’s what I’ve allowed, and here’s what I want moving forward. Are you with me? If not, I understand. But this is what I want. This is a powerful way to re-align on a meta level the de-polarization. I let her do so many things instead of stepping in and saying ‘this is unacceptable to me’.

Even if all my effort doesn’t work, I at least know in 6 months or whatever, that I stepped up, and did my best. 


I deserve to be with a Woman who trusts me. Who I am has come to the surface during all of this. I’m a good, loving, caring person. I am deep, intimate, embodied and fucking conscious Man. I do not need to be with someone who doesn’t trust me. And that energy will, in turn, attract deep, beautiful, radiant people. 


Sometimes relationships end because we’ve burned the karma. But before bowing and moving on, really honesty looking at everything will serve something sacred going forward. 


Part of a Warriors Path: What does she need from me in order to want to surrender her heart fully, and really give herself to the relationship?


Ask: What would it take to surrender your heart forever?


Warrior energy stars from the naval down. It’s lower body energy.


The victory is Opening, while all the shit continues. Most of the time the feelings we have are around fear. Grasping vs surrendering. Just remember to Surrender. The Victory is not the ending of fear, grief, pain…. The victory is opening, while all that continues. It won’t ever stop. I can be with my fear openly. That is success. I won’t just rid fear. Having no fear in my relationship will just look like me not needing her. I love my partners, but I don’t need them to be happy. And I especially don’t need, to need, to be happy. I can love, worship, give everything I have- but I don’t need her.


It’s a gift to be able to be with my own self hate and open through it. It’s freeing and terrifying when I’m in it. But relaxing into it moves it pretty fast.


The masculine feels the field for what is best. Sometimes I wrestle with the “I should…. Do something.” Instead of just owning what lights me up and bringing that to people.

Masculine leadership: feeling the infinite, feeling consciousness. Sensing what is in my field… then feeling what needs to happen with that. And sitting with it. 


Usually when a partner is controlling, there’s some sort of fear or trauma. 


You can’t sacred dance or meditate your way out of feeling everything. 


I'm aligning myself with the pulse of Love.


How do I love somebody who’s transgressing through my deepest terms?


I will never apologize for desiring, needing, wanting... unconditional Love.


I spent almost 10 years of my life essentially in my Feminine; emotional, dancing, flowing, feeling- during/in active addiction. And thus, in relationship.


My Masculine grows in solitude, and in company of other Men.


Masculine Love is nourishing. Something gets full when I Love You from the place of "I Don’t Want Anything From You."


A strong burning Fire and Fierceness lives within me. I'm learning to create structure around my Fire.


Remember my breath. Notice my body. How it's responding, moving, reacting. Feel into my body. Ask myself; What does this moment NEED? What action NEEDS to happen? What NEEDS to be said?


Re: Masculinity; Presence. Consciousness. Be here Now. Sati (Buddhism)


The "darker" I get with my desires, the more I need to breathe deeper, look deeper; into the eyes, downwards, deeper, to the soul... be fully present. Send the Loving energy of "God" up through our spines. Remember my tantra practices.


I am responsible for my own energy. And I should be full of life force, from my own practices. If she says No, or has a boundary; I don't need to react or shut down. I just go deeper into my own practice. I don’t need anything from her, because of the nourishment I get from myself. If I’m full, deep, working on my stuff, and in purpose; I am nourished.


Lean in when I am poked. 


I don't need permission to do my practices; breathe with her, feel her, connect with her. If she notices me breathing with her, and doesn't like it- don't withdraw. Lean in. I want to feel my partners Heart. I want to Practice with Her.


If a fight with my partner is brewing; Slow down and notice my breath, body, & energy in these moments. I need to maintain consciousness and structure, so that I can lean in. My reactions communicate how much she can trust me to hold her heart.


Defending myself in a fight is useless. Remember my Yoga practices. Face her, feel her heart, align my spine, and be there. Lean in.


Relax into life. Everything has a purpose.


A Peaceful Warrior does not seek pain, but when it comes, he uses it.


Stop letting my heart waver. I have the capacity to love the fuck out of someone, even for a small period of time, even from a distance. While I want my partner to be present in human form, it is possible to do my own thing, and when we come together, Be fully fucking there, and love the fuck out of her. 


Know my needs and desires: For the rest of the year, this is what I have to do. Don’t fold. Stay true. If I don’t follow my purpose, what I need, it actually makes me, and my partner, unhappy. Irony. It's possible that I sold my Truth for her.


When I feel 'burdened', I create a story around exhaustion. And when I would attempt to Rest, that rest was not restful; demands were waiting for me on the other side. I need to create more intentional space to rest with no demands, and express that.


My own shame, miscommunication, use of language, lack of updated agreements, tone, body language, unexpressed desires and needs...  impacted me greatly.  I held back Love in ways, as a result.


I take full responsibility for everything that happens in my life. I haven't found myself blaming her. But rather taking ownership for my actions; growing from the lessons I'm learning as a result of this process, support, and reflections. This is my stuff.


The areas where I feel "poked" or "attacked"; relax. have a sense of humor about it. House Rules: Paradox, Humor & Change.


Remember: The Eye is the Gateway to the Soul. Allow people to see me, any way I am. When I feel extra vulnerable, I look away, turn my body away, close down. Come back to Consciousness in these moments.


I’m headed towards a moment where my intentions in this lifetime will be bound to my multidimensional self, and I will become some form of a multi-dimensional master in this life time. Neptune goes over my point of destiny 3 years from now, but it’s quiet. And before it gets there, it squares off with every Sagittarius planet I have (five planets), and it takes down my ego at each point. I am becoming disillusioned in the most wonderful way.


I learned with my Astrologer & Body Worker that there is a solid line of Mystics woven into my DNA throughout the generations. Feels connected to the Native American part of my heritage. Some connection to the Unseen and Hidden Truths of the World. Go deeper into ancestral work. In this life, I'm meant to be of service, rather than in a position of power, like past lives. I'm discovering how to be of service to the collective, to humanity; not just myself. I'm tuning into a higher dimension and bridging the gap between realms.


I learned to Let Go. How to weild that ability. And it's allowing me to Open up; Expand.


Some of my path is meant to be solitary right now. Sagittarius & Scorpio is solitary energy. This makes me sad, in ways. I need to go through this solitary time, or experience, so that I can come back to others more Whole, Complete, and Full with Love.


Listen to some 432hz music when I start my days. Elevate my morning routine when I can. I need to start my days with some practice and solitude for myself, then spend the rest of the day in Service.


Universe said I can sit this life out; But I said No, Let's Keep Going. My choice. We exist as a tribe. Not billions of different consciousness. One consciousness, billions of bodys. My tribe exists in the 5th dimension. 


I can't just go along with someone else's stuff. Check in with myself. Constantly.


I am willing to trade Fear, for Peace.


I’m in my 9 year, which is the most spiritual number. The year of Sacred Service. Surrendering to the Divine. Trust. Faith. Belief. Knowing. Presence. All is well. Powerful.


Some of the deepest work I’ve ever seen is to love an active addict, while maintaining strong boundaries. I'd experienced this with 100's of people during my time in NA/AA. My entire community, and support system, was addicts. This experience was Powerful, but not the best support system for me.


Have to walk this path before I want to come back to partnership/relationship, and that is what is happening.

I'm honoring WHAT IS. Embracing it. Feeling the moment. My desires. Staying there. The Sacred emerges from being with the other, fully present, and staying there; until I feel into what needs to happen next. 


Remember to DROP DOWN, then Lead with my Heart from there... Instead of knee-jerk reactions resulting from an emotional lack of capacity, to drive my decision making.


ANYTHING can happen from this place of being with what is happening, in myself, and in the moment.


I am deepening my capacity to drop in, and lead through.


Don't take action from a place of NOT wanting to feel something. Or to get something. Or to alleviate something. Relieve feelings. 


Maybe Toxic Leadership, Toxic Masculinity, Toxic Anything… is about "ME". It's 'my way or highway', dictator shit. My Father used to say this to me all the time.


Sacred Leadership is being a Yes to What Is. A deeper and more subtler listening to what’s happening in them, what’s happening in me, being a Yes to it all, and in the moment, until the next right thing emerges.


Every present moment has millions of possibilities.


Just holding space for a Lover's anger, is not Sacred. Be a Yes to her anger and a Yes to what’s in me, then allow something to come through. In this way, I train my nervous system to be there.


Everything comes from just being with, and feeling. What am I feeling? I've been sitting in so much Stillness lately, just FEELING. Feeling the Truth of it. I stop myself from thinking of solutions. I'm just Being with the feelings. If I jump to make a decision; I'm trying to end the feeling. SLOW DOWN AND DROP IN. Remember: Stop trying to strategize how to end the feeling.


Bioenergetics, Earth Breath Meditation, Ego Eradicator, Heart Horse Grounding Practices made me cry tears of Release; not sadness, or pain.


I need to get full of the Feminine from everything else; the Earth, the Cosmos, my Environment…. Then come into relationship from there... instead of stepping into relationship from a place of exhaustion or being malnourished. Practice: Sit in a park. Practice going into my stillness/core, then feeling outwards. 


Rooting is a skill set. Presence is a skillset. Depth is a skillset. We normally just think. Not feel. Rest in the infinite stillness, and feel the Chaos, without getting pulled into it. The Feminine in relationship can be Chaotic; and so deeply beautiful. And Life can be chaotic. So one of my essential masculine practices is to really root into my core heart. Then be with. 


Feeling with and being with everything gives birth to action.


Stop living in impulse; from the mind. BE Present. Pretty much everything Peaceful Warrior, hah!


For me to be nourished, I have to enter a space of no demand, regularly. One of the ways I do this, is I run up a mountain, then sit on a rock for an hour. I watch Mother Nature, with no phone... Feel the sky, earth, all around me. And when I come off the rock, I feel alive.


How can I be rooted, grounded, open… and still be with feeling? That’s nervous system training. My nervous system needs to rest so that I can be nourished. Re-training my nervous system to be strong.


Fall into more play and “tantrums” to express myself, instead of using words. More humor. It's a different flavor of energy. I like it.


Remember to ground. Breathe. Remember my Hands on Thighs Practice. Push my thoughts outside of myself, and into the world. Presence. Presence is the answer.


I AM RESONSIBLE FOR THE STATE OF BEING I BRING TO ANY MOMENT. It’s on me to create life force if I’m afraid; afraid of not getting what I want, feeling something, etc. To work with this, I can just go into the fear, fully. Feel it all. Open up. Embrace that I’m afraid. Let it own me. 


Often times when I’m anxious, it’s because I’m out of integrity with some part of my heart, soul, or who I am. Is there something I’m not doing in order to be in integrity with myself? There is shit that I know I need to be doing, to feel aligned... and if I haven’t been doing it, I’ve been feeling anxious. This is different than Fear.


Part of my Mens Work is to get really honest and clear about where I’m out of integrity with my own truth.


There's a Masculine tendency to end a feeling or experience that we don’t like.


In every trigger; there is a gift. The result of my parents failing to Show Up or do the Work; is that I’m fiercely committed to that myself. So I hold other Men to that standard in my sphere. I think that’s a gift. 


Lack of awareness shows up as: judgement, defensiveness, withholding, people pleasing…. That’s the unconscious relating with the masculine.


Grieve for the Love I didn’t get from my parents. Maybe I have already. What didn’t I get from my Father that I needed?


All of my practices are not just about me. Not about me getting something. Winning. Not feeling. Getting a partner to do something. Making more money- Nope. None of this. There’s something greater; the collective tribe. I feel that what I’m doing and what I’m trying to cultivate will serve, help, inspire others. When I plug into humanity, I find I have a deeper gear. 


The body is the subconscious mind. So if I want to change the way of my habits, karma, destiny- I have to change my body. Have to elevate my body- breath, movement, meditation, food, bodywork, etc.


On Changing Myself: As I go deeper into changing the state of my body-mind… I'm noticing that my entire body chemistry is changing. Hormones. Heart. Mind. Personality. I'm starting to have a different experience. I’m physically different. My awareness is growing. So, I’m cultivating better thoughts, different feelings, different perspectives, different experiences. Joe Dispenza does work around this; measuring heartwaves after deep practice. And this isn't just happening randomly. I’m showing up every day, with all my heart, to practice. More than ever before. With intention. This is different. I’m feeling everything. And everything is changing.


Occuring World idea: "The world appears as a place that is not safe for me to express my deepest desire." So my Occuring Worlds can take the shape of my relationship to people, the world, abundance, money…. Basically Occurring World = It’s not safe for me to shine. Shift: I have all the time I need to do everything I want. LIFE IS NOT A BURDEN. This becomes part of my transmission. 


Almost every complaint I have stems from my occurring world story. So then... manifestation is the result of my occurring world. How am I viewing the world, really? And is it true? Or did I make this up?




I need clear intent.


Hold other Men accountable.


If I want to offer my FULL firey, blunt thoughts and feelings to someone: Ask them first, if I can be High Flame for a moment.


My judgement is almost always projection. Both positive and negative projections happen. Same with resentment. Practice: I’m judging you to be a man that __________ . Then feel into my heart, where I do the same thing. And then say, “Just like me”. If I do that enough, I bring awareness. There is a tendency to get what I focus on.




I have to honor my heart, by creating structure around the impulse of my heart. If my strongest impulse is to hike in the mountains; schedule it. If I just flow with my feminine, it might be months before I get out there.


Meditation: Sit for 30 mins with “Whats the deepest impulse of my heart that I need to honor and create structure for?”


Any thoughts I have around “I have to do more, do better, it's never enough, etc.” = Residue of the toxic masculine in my psyche. My Sacred Masculine creates space and structure for the impulse of my heart. What is wanting to come through me now and how do I create space for that?


On Holding Space, Emotions, Sex: Half of my awareness on consciousness itself, wrapped around them... and half on the heart and love that I am. I can be aware and in both of these. This is fluid, though. Holding Space should be moving. With structure and awareness. 


I can have it all. Family. Friends. Love. Sex. Cats. Nature. Everything.  This is a deep practice. Having it ALL, really means having what I want and need. I can create what I want to create. 


Impulse Discovery: If I wake up tomorrow and didn’t have to worry about Money, what would I do? Follow this. In many ways, the next right thing to do, is what feels good.


What do I have to do today to die complete?


Be with the beauty of my life and let it unfold, instead of pushing to get somewhere because of old programming.


When I imagine the outcome of something, VISUALIZE THE OUTCOME THAT I WANT.


My heart is the answer through which my truth comes. 


If I have a sense of burden in my life, I’m probably not doing enough that feels good.


SITTING! <3 Practice: Sit and do nothing for an hour, meticulously. No phone. Notepad is ok. No meditation, breathing exercises, etc. I just let my body be in the moment and let everything come through. I exist with NOW in the most relaxed, energetic way I can. I just do nothing and let it be. And I see what comes up. I have been doing this daily. 


The capacity to do nothing is a skill. This is a place of regeneration. Write what I get inspired to do. Attend to the things that come up while I’m doing nothing, AFTER I’m done doing nothing. Trust what comes through in this space. I let life fill me with what she wants to. I can do nothing, anywhere. 


Tibetan Buddhism claims that enlightenment comes through that part of my heart that aches/feels pain/throbs for Love, or Her. So be with that part. And feel the other Men who have experienced what I have. Enlightenment comes through the feeling of ache.


Sometimes I can’t get through a resentment by feeling it deeper. So then, I need to elevate my state of being beyond what I habitually do. That elevation is to do contrary action. 


Freedom comes from letting go, instead of the battle. The battle is the broken heart. 


Create containers to honor my own feminine. Give myself 10 mins to scream, or move, or have a tantrum. Permission to dance all night at a show. Anything that allows me to express or move emotion. Even call up a brother, and say 'Hey, I need help in creating a container for my feminine.' I have to lead my own feminine. So it doesn’t leak out or explode. 


Dark Love is a chord in the art of sexual polarity and intimacy. Just like sharpening consciousness is a chord. So, of course, I have to practice these chords. My capacity to use the chord is a function of my practice, and adapting my body speaks to the movements within that chord. 


There will be some resistance when I learn a new chord, because I haven’t practiced that chord. Playful out through that limitation and see what comes out on the other side.


More play. My Feminine responds beautifully to play. This is a chord as well. 


Joy comes out of the top of my heart and throat. Open it up. 


Learning to live in the space of feeling everything all the time. Like a meditative Theta State. 


The more I practice, the more sensitized I get to the world. 


There is an entire way of living that nobody ever told me actually existed. A way of an Embodied Experience... a way of S*xuality... a way of looking at Women, and the World, that no-one ever taught me. So, I’m immersing myself as much as I can, for as long as I can. I made a decision that this way of living is a priority, as much as my business, my artwork, my cats, my family, friends, food, etc… And I need to schedule my life to make it a priority. Anything I want to do or be, I have to make it a priority. If I don’t make it a priority, and in a year or two, I’m feeling the same- it’s because I didn’t make it a f*cking priority. Deepening, and being in my body- is my priority right now.


What do I need vs. what do I think I need? Question how I need it. Do I really need it that way? Is that too much to ask? Am I asking someone to do something that they can’t?


Great Masculine Practice: Be with Chaos, without collapse. The more feminine my being is, the less structured I am; mentally, physically, emotionally. Less "rational". So the deeper I go into my feminine, the more flow and chaos I’m in. If I decide as a Masculine partner/friend to really love a feminine being... and I want the feminine, I want the wild heart, I want devotion… I’m stepping in to take on everything that they’re bringing. Am I down for Loving EVERYTHING? (Ex. daddy issues, traumas, etc.). Yes.


I can be IN chaos, energetically IN IT. Or feeling it with my awareness wrapped around it.

How committed to love am I beyond my own comfort, and what I want to do? Most of the time what I want to do, tends to be less memorable than loving somebody that deeply.


How do I end a relationship with integrity and dignity? Structure. If I own my purpose and truth, it connects deeply with the feminine. What can I do to alleviate any pain a partner is still carrying about our relationship? What do I regret most? What am I most grateful for in her? What does she need to say to me, for us to be clear? Offer process, structure, timing. Need to give some space for the process.


Own the parts of me that could be rageful, sadistic, and vengeful. It’s freeing. And it’s in ALL of us. It's primal energy stuck in the limbic system. Somewhere along the line, our human lineage was laregly abusers and destructors. 


Face my karmic demon. What is the thing that I’ve really avoided? Generally there is an event, or moment from childhood, where I was terrified- like when my parents fought. "I must be bad. I'm confused. I can't do anything right.", etc. Be with my inner child in that moment, feeling that his parents are going to leave, and I don’t understand why they’re screaming and being violet, blaming each other. So, these feelings can come up whenever there’s a fight, or someone is leaving/abdanoment. 

My heritage lives in my limbic system. 


If I want a heart to bloom open for me: I have to be deeply tethered to consciousness, fully in my body, owning desire in a s*xual moment, and directional.


Do I have a rejection wound that I haven’t fully dealt with? 

Nobody is attractice, when they're thinking about themselves. Remember: Breathe deeper. Get in my legs more. The bottoms of my feet. Root. Feel outwards.


What if I trusted in the wisdom of my body? What was my body feeling that disappeared? Losing desire can be a result of self referencing, or she’s not giving me energy. I need to stay in the experience. And guide. 


I underestimate how much solitude I need, and how much time I need with Men.


My purpose doesn’t have to be HUGE. And it’s highly personal. It’s what life is wanting me to do. With full commitment. My first few purposes in life were a result of old programming and childhood influences. I’m stripping away the bullshit and getting to: WHAT IS MY HEARTS TRUTH?


Pushing past where I want to give up, or where I want to close, is where there is the greatest gain (ex. last few reps working out. Last few seconds during a yoga practice). Hold it, and continue to open past where I want to give up. This is the same with my nervous system. My capacity to hold my own emotional chaos; grief, anger, etc. is nervous system training.


If I’m feeling malnourished, it’s because I’m not letting myself be loved deeply by one person at a time. I’m not really allowing my body, heart.. to take in a person’s positive regard. And my masculine malnourishment is a byproduct of that. 


My practices aren’t about clearing every feeling I have. It’s about facing it. Feeling it. With a container of Love. I always tried to face my feelings by myself. Another Man witnessing me, and Loving me, while I’m in my grief, pain, sadness... has helped re-wire my nervous system. 


Part of the masculine issue in relationship is wanting absolutes. I can love the f*ck out of everyone who is in my life, who isn’t, and even those who’ve transgressed across my deepest terms. 


How is life asking me to Show Up?


Don't underestimate the tender fragility of letting myself be loved.


Sometimes my feminine hijacks my best masculine plans. Addiction in general is exactly this. Internet, food, drugs, etc. Addiction is my feminine. My masculine can recognize the feminine in my emotional body. 


Most masculine beings will plow right through feeling, with no awareness. The feminine, if ignored, will get violent and destructive. My masculine gift to my feminine is the freedom of my heart. So if I’m aware enough to notice what’s happening, before I get derailed by my own feminine, then I can do something else. 


If I’m collapsing; Who can I love? Who needs my love? 


Exhaustion is an excuse for closure. 


'God' could be: feeling everything, moving, always changing. AND feeling the infinite, unchanging oneness. Practice is the capacity to feel one, or the other of these things. A moment has consciousness, and energy. The deepest practice is feeling one, or the other, or both, fully. Most bodies are not open enough to feel past a surface level. Can I feel the life and energy around me more? I’ve deepened. Can I feel the part of me that never changes. I’ve depended. And from this place, action is born. 


I want to feel every moment. For as long as it lasts.


I love my s*xuality.


Of course, people can deepen while drinking - or in any addiction. But if I’m in ANY addictive cycle; whether it's food or hard drugs- I’m closing. The nature of an addictive cycle is closure. If my truth is: I’m not OK with this, and I’m doing it anyways- I’m going to close. 


Who really, isn’t addicted to something? Be aware of my addictions and open through them. It is possible to be fully in an addictive cycle and be fully open. But most people aren’t deep enough in practice to do that. Some people can do it: be wasted, and fully open. But the level of practice needed to do that is absolutely ridiculous. 


For me, it doesn’t get any better than naturally feeling and doing everything. Sometimes, I add some mushrooms to my practice, to intensify feeling. But I can create the most beautiful, sublime states through my practice, naturally. In all my years in active addiction, I’ve never felt as high as when I’m deep in practice. It really doesn’t get any better. 


The moment something becomes a problem, and I’m ignoring it, it’s very hard to not close. Any time I feel like the moment is intolerable, and I want to go to something, instead of working through it, then I'm closing. 


The masculine desire to numb, comes from my belief that something is missing from this moment; a level of freedom, release, etc. So in that space, I need something to numb that pain. The masculine desire for freedom is so pervasive. If I reach for the phone, I’m not looking for freedom. I’m looking to be filled with something. I think it really comes down to personal integrity. 


Boredom is selfishness. It’s a way of saying I’m Not Satisfied with this present moment. 


Fantasy is an escape. That can be an addiction too. 


Feel in with my mind, out with my body. Be present. Be present. Fantasy is a way to not be present. 


Contrary Action: Some of the deepest spiritual practice is Men or Eomen who are dissatisfied with the present moment, and have trained themselves to Love in these moments. Saw this all the time in AA/NA.


Fidgeting is my nervous system’s lack of capacity to be with the present moment. Non-linear movement practices allow me to find places where I store stuff. 


The nature of fidgeting is self reference. I’ve had this constant shaking leg issue since I was a very very young child. In middle school I unconsciously ripped off all of my eyebrows because of what was going on at home. My nervous system being disregulated is largely a result of my childhood experiences. Self referencing is like a weird tick of checking that I’m okay and still here. 


Notice the impact that my self referencing has on other people. Self referencing is unconscious. Self referencing is a ripple that closes the space, if its done unconsciously. If done consciously, it has little effect. Notice my fidgeting and it’s impact. Self referencing is around what I want. What I need. It’s not necessarily what the moment is calling for. 


Deepen and slow my breath!


Move gently. Softly. With intention. With awareness.


Stage 1: Doing it for me.

Stage 2: Doing it for others.

Stage 3: Doing it for Love. 


Boundaries are overrated in service of Love.


Don’t just do the same thing over and over. My brain gets trained into lack of creativity this way. I need this creativity in every moment. Makes me think of Sacred Goofiness. Sacred Humor: I am so committed to love, that I use all of my skills to make others smile and open their hearts. 


Self awareness is so important. Be so very aware of why I am doing something. 


I'm creating a set of skills to bring to certain moments. What skill does the moment need?


Masculine practice is usually meant for other men, solo practice, and s*xual moments. Or moments where I literally have to hold someone’s feminine.


Own my feelings. Don’t always be in my masculine. Come out of the cave and tussle with the feminine. Don't be afraid. Remember to split my awareness.


If a partner is in their masculine, I can go into my feminine and be devotional to her. If my masculine is awareness, then how do I use my feminine (body, breath, action) to open her? Some level of play. Or stillness/meditation/consciousness can drop someone into their feminine.


Go forward. The only way out, is through.


Almost every feminine bad mood is a feeling of not being loved enough. How do I blast a partner with love in a way that can make her feel better? 


Most every masculine bad mood is around not being free. 


Practices to Remember: QiGong Practice for Grounding and Circulating Energy. Organ Grounding Meditation. Macrocosmic Orbit Practice. I Cannot Lose Love Practice. 3 Part Breath Chi Generator Practice. Manifestation Mantra Practice.


We have a LOT of f*cking work to do collectively.




Stretch: The rest of 2021, I will do this Work. With all my Heart. The level of production of my artwork and tech business will suffer; but not to the destruction of my balance, health, or lifestyle. I will still do those things. But I am creating intentional space for this work, for the rest of 2021, 8-10 hours per day. I don't want to do one 45 min practice per day right now. I want to go deep, focused, and intentional. I will re-balance, re-evaluate, on January 2022. I need to do this, for me, my family, ancestors, lovers, friends.... and all humans I connect with. All relationships.


My focus for the rest of the year:


> Mens Group Work

> Mens 1 on 1 Work

> Masculine/Feminine Embodiment & Leadership

> Virtual Workshops / In-person Trainings

> Kundalini

> Breathwork

> Tantra

> Spiritual Intimacy

> Sexuality / Sexual Polarity

> Body Work

> Ancestral Work

> Somatic Experiencing


At the end of the year, I probably won't recognize the current iteration of my Self.


I have intention. I have a plan. I feel clear in my purpose. I have support. I'm taking action. 


Deeper I go.


If you got this deep, thank you for reading...

To be continued.... To be discovered... With Love.


Want to hear/learn more? Listen to Men's Group Reflections from 2020, and Reflections from Spring 2021.

Saturday, June 19, 2021
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