Letter 2: Many Deaths
Thursday, July 22, 2021
"I’ve attended many funerals this year. All of them were mine." - Emma Zeck
My Rose painting is finished. It is called “LXNN”. A 12x12 inch oil painting on wood panel. The original is off to a private collection.
This piece is imprinted with Consciousness, Energy & Love that will span generations. This piece is about Love, Presence, & Emotion. The Divine Feminine & Masculine. I offered it as a gift to all that is a Sacred. Many parts of me died with this piece. And many parts will live on.
I will be offering limited edition prints of LXNN soon. Stay tuned.
I’m noticing so many helpful and beautiful lessons being reflected through both new and old friends lately. They remind me that my Love is my Love, and I will express it how I need to. They remind me how painting is my most pure form of expression. It’s such deep, Sacred Work… my Art. Really in all it’s forms- writing, painting, animation, pictures/videos, experiences, my Life… I think a piece of my Spirit gets infused into any of my physical Art manifestations, and people can literally have it. They can feel it, experience it- far beyond my lifetime. And theirs. So, the more I show up and give to my Art from this place of Sacred Love, the more I’m noticing it’s impact and effect on others, the World, My World... in how it’s received.
I have been spending SO. MUCH. TIME. Just Being with Mother Nature lately. Wandering, playing, feeling, sitting. It’s a place true nourishment.
Where this flower picture was taken, has been my Sit Spot for the past few years. I’ve been meeting with the same rock here, every season; Watching the land, animals, seasons- Mother Earth- change. Just as I have been witnessing myself changing with Her. This place was the first place I wandered after moving to Colorado years ago. I feel so grounded & connected at this specific location. I’ve worked through and felt into A LOT, right here, on a freaking rock. I experience visions, messages, downloads, stillness, wonder… everything happens here. And nothing happens here.
What I feel into, becomes expressed through my Artwork, Creativity, & Gifts that I offer the World.
I’ve been coming here almost every day lately. Sit & Feel. Move & Feel. Feel. And while this Spot will always hold a special place in my Heart, I think it’s time to Witness & Connect with the Mother somewhere else.
I think every year now, I’ll find a new Sit Spot, and be with the changing seasons there... Allowing new energy, perspectives, and lessons to come through. To see what comes alive in different areas of the Land.
I think I'm starting to fully Show Up in my life right now. And it's looking like a whole New World. I have been watching literally zero TV; avoiding numbing out pretty much at all in any form, over the past few months. I’ve been mostly just painting, playing music, reading, practicing, learning, connecting with humans, and spending time with Mother Nature. Being here with whatever comes in each moment. I'm not chasing any thing or anyone. No dreams or illusions. I don't need to. I just need to Be Here, Now. And so, I'm free.
Waking up to 'Consciousness' in this way has made quitting cigarettes pretty easy. It’s been my last remaining ‘vice’ for a while now. I’ve tried multiple times over the past decade to stop, and it always felt impossible. I especially couldn't handle the cravings then.
So even with the whirlwind of emotions I’ve been experiencing this year- just being able to notice my body, cravings, impulses- and take my Awareness elsewhere, remembering to be present- has made all the difference. This is a 10 year…. Generational habit I’m breaking… and it has felt so aligned and easeful. Deeper understanding of the Self and shifting perspectives has helped too. I won’t ever smoke anything ever again. It’s literally traumatic for me to smoke, because it is tied to really negative childhood experiences of mine.
So now, I'm back in a space of having no dependence on anything but myself and love to function. It is freaking liberating. From now on, I’ll just be keeping some tea around.
I remember frequently to maintain awareness around where my awareness is (ya, that's confusing); but that is kind of the first step of depth. It’s quite simple, for example: Is my awareness on my friend or partner's dissatisfaction; my failings; what I want, but I’m not getting? … Or is my awareness on the depth of this moment; sensations in my body; and beauty of life all around me?
In the Spirit of being Seen; I did a prayer with my bodyworker a day or two after this 2nd awakening around the Divine Feminine and Forgiveness / My Experience. It was terrifying, and mystical. I’m grateful for how she held space for us to do this. She stood in front of me, while I was on my knees, speaking from my Heart. I gave her a stone to hold. It was healing- to bring what I had seen and learned to someone else. It's seeming as if nothing is actually real unless it's shared.
After the prayer, during our session, we were working on a spot on my leg that I had injured when hiking recently. I ran harder than I have in a very long time, moving some of the pain and emotions I was feeling around my last relationship. When she was putting pressure on this spot, I could feel it connected to my Heart. I asked her if this was true, and she shared that it took Chinese medicine thousands of years to figure out what this same spot is connected to.
Injuring this spot, connected to my Heart, while working through Heartbreak, and feeling that connection in my body when she put pressure on it- was no coincidence.
I’m owning how much my past relationship broke me. Broke my heart, my hope, my trust… AND broke my layered, protective shells so beautifully wide open. It helped change my life.
I’m realizing this Work isn’t really necessarily a path to happiness… But rather a path to the depths of feeling and living from my heart. Living in Purpose. A big part of my happiness is freedom, and I find exactly that in every single present moment. And I have access to this freedom anywhere, at any time.
It is not the receiving of Love that has necessarily made me happy. It is the giving of Love that has completely changed my life.
I’ve been so very into breathwork recently- by myself, being seen, and just when I'm going through my day. It's becoming very integrated.
I’ve been really enjoying circles/events around this with some friends at Inner Light Revival. It's an edge for me... There’s something terrifying, and deeply nourishing being seen in a pure form of expression, moving it through my body. I really enjoy how it's a safe container where that kind of thing is accepted, not shamed.
Some events are a mix of a sound healing journey/gong baths too- which I especially enjoy. Two artists I got to experience recently while doing breathwork are Sara Emmitt and Yaima. Check them out.
There is a deep, deep Knowing in all things that I can see in how my body responds, feels, & experiences. When I reflect back, it has always been right, 100% of my entire life. It can sense so much more than my mind. It was just so good to be reminded that my intuition, feelings, and connectedness throughout my body runs deep and true. It was a reminder that I’m not crazy- you’re not crazy- our minds are what get in the way of our deep Knowing. When I’m Here & Now, I can feel everything, I can see everything, and my thoughts float by like clouds. It’s almost as if my mind becomes useless in that space. And I can just listen and feel into my body. It’s beautiful.
That is magical to me. My body and intuition has always been so locked in when I’m fully showing up in my life. And I can't see these gifts... these messages... if I'm not fully ripped open (in the most amazing way). I’m not running from how deeply I can feel things anymore. So while I seek deep understanding and wisdom, I have that already present in my body.
The Body Knows. Remember that.
As I’ve gone deeper into this Work, I’m noticing how dangerous it can be. It's scary. It can be so very confusing. Narcissist’s & Sociopaths, or anyone with ill or unconscious intentions really, can use these skills and tools in really harmful ways. In a sense, they are designed to have you feeling confused, dependent, scared, shamed, obedient.
The reality is that a lot of this knowledge has been handed down and exists within power structures. And I'm particularly noticing a very disturbing trend with white cis men teaching it. "Leaders", "Gurus", "Coaches", "Therapists"... whatever the F. And Women too have been influenced and perpetuate unconsciously to this extent. It's so sneaky and cunning. It works so well and it's really freaking hard to see while it's happening.
I’m not becoming totally hopeless in this sense- but more-so learning to be thoughtful, and not just blindly trust all of the knowledge passed down and taught this way. In books. Wherever. These lessons are really important for me at this point. Learning this way is new for me. I've spent most of my time sitting with Elders in the Woods and experiencing life as my teacher. So I can’t trust within these power structures like I can in other areas of my life. It really is a beautiful lesson. I need to really feel into what’s in integrity, true, and from a place of love- for me, and in my body- when learning from others in this space. And from that place, carry what is True for me in my Heart and out into the World.
The deepest wisdom I have lives in my body and in my experiences.
So ya, it seems most of these self-help people come from a place of “my way or the highway” or "this way is the right way" - and that makes me feel like my experience of life is inferior. And that's just total bullsh*t.
So- Self awareness is probably the most important thing here when making my way through all of this. Did Socrates buy a book or course on changing the World? No. He just did it. He experienced it. He lived it.
So things like David Deida's book “The Way of the Superior Man” - is actually pretty arrogant to me. Some white cis man created these rules to live my life like a Superior Man, and I should just act that way to feel that way?
It actually feels like a way to disguise who I really am, and how I really feel about my life.
How can I create a deep, open, and powerful connection a partner while I'm trying to remember to live as if I could die at any given moment?
Is a Superior Man really one who lives his life by rules in a book, or defined by "gurus"? Or is a Superior Man one who lives and embodies his truth in every single freaking moment?
So... it seems all of this Self-help stuff can be a double-edged sword. It can make you closed, hurtful, and unconscious... or it can make you open-hearted and deeply felt. It can turn you into a narcissist asshole, or someone with a realistic and healthy sense of Sacred Self and Relationship. It can help you get clarity on living in a way where you and the World rise, or it can lead you down a darker path – where you and humanity suffer. It can liberate consciousness, or perpetuate unconscious behavior.
Sidenote- I think it's especially dangerous in areas like Boulder, where there are a lot of vulnerable, fragile people seeking help, healing and support.
Anyways, I hope Women take over the world really soon. I think we’ll be much better off :)
So... I’m approaching all of this Work in that cautious way - understanding that it can be both helpful, and dangerous. I’m almost completely done with all of John Wineland’s Online Workshop. I’ve done every single Masculine, Feminine, & Partner Practice (there’s over 100 based on various traditions), and recorded them all on my phone while I went through them. So now, I have them for the rest of my life. I’ve watched through every lesson on the Masculine, Feminine, & Spiritual Intimacy. I’ve done all the homework and inventories on my own life. And while I’ll still be integrating / working with John, going to "The Embodied Men's Leadership Intensive" at Mt. Shasta in October... I can really slow down there, continue to integrate what's true for me, and work with some other aspects of my being in a more focused way (more on that in the future). His work has helped change my life, I don't agree with it all, and it is dangerous. I'm curious to meet and feel into some of these Men, John, and what we might get up to.
And honestly, Mt. Shasta is on one of the Ley Lines of the Earth, so I've always wanted to feel into the Mother's energy there anyways. That alone is worth the trip to me.
I started reading a few of these books I bought recently too. Right now, I’m poking around in Gene Keys / Human Design things more slowly, while reading lots of poetry, and learning more about trauma.
But not too much. Not too fast. More remembering to just Be. Slowing down. Slowww.
Also- check out Jeff James Howard. I'm truly grateful for this human being. He's been a very meaningful presence in my life. If you’re around Boulder and seeking guidance, I would highly suggest that you connect with this Man. He is co-leading a retreat “The Empowered Man” at Elkstone Farms in Steamboat Springs in October. And leads some of the Men’s Groups I’ve mentioned in the Kiva. In my experience, he’s a really good man of integrity.
And Jack Shure. I want to acknowledge you too. Thank you for teaching me to oil paint with the Gods.
I want to be Seen. I want to be Heard. Received. I want to be Raw. I want to share my experiences. I want to make a freaking mess. Express what's True, from my Heart. I want my words to pierce you. I want to be unfiltered and unrestricted. I’m done with thinking. I'm feeling. I won't feed this illusion that we all have it figured out. I don’t. I Know Nothing. My Truth is arising. Give me Passion. Give me Depth. Give me Love. Give me Intimacy. Give me Vulnerability. Give me Crazy. Give me Truth. Open your Heart.
I am Mr. Nobody.
I’m not a Leader. I’m not Woke. I’m not a Coach. I’m not a Therapist. I’m F’d up and I’m hurt. I'm Here and I Love. I’m blissful and I'm broken. We all are.
In this space, I am free.
Just the Self- Witnessing nothing; feeling everything; destroying everything around me; letting everything within me, die. To be reborn.
I’m feeling more alive than I ever have.
From my Heart <3