Letter 1: Transitions
Saturday, July 10, 2021
Back to writing. Where I feel most safely, and best expressed. Where I feel most clearly felt, and received- especially when communicating through the medium of our devices.
Back to this space of rawness and vulnerability. Wordplay and expression. This feels aligned. Even refreshing. It is a space where I feel that I can articulate myself more thoughtfully, deeply, and communicate more clearly with care- for myself, and for others.
I am a human best felt & experienced in-person. And so this video/vlogging thing that I’ve been trying to use as a means to communicate and express lately, has me feeling lost in translation. And so, I will save that energy & presence for the moments I experience in my human form.
Here, digitally, moving forward- I will go back to expressing & sharing my experiences and lessons primarily through written word, accompanied with videos/images from my life’s journey. I think you will feel me more deeply & clearly in this space, this way. Writing is one of my true gifts. I am ending this pattern of putting my gifts on a shelf for later, and/or pretending that they don’t exist.
I write. I paint and make art. I sit with Mother Nature. I share my Heart. Deep spiritual work is important to me. I help and serve others. This is just who I am.
My life is Art. And my Art is Sacred Service. In the name of Love.
The past few months of this life has fully ripped me open- in both the most beautiful, and painful, ways. It’s polarizing. Life seems to really hit me in full force when the real, emotional pain arrives. I was starved for emotional support and love as a child. And in ways, that felt like Death growing up.
Opening amongst the pain is where I’ve experienced some of the most magical moments, and learned some of the most meaningful lessons in my life. I do not seek pain. But there is so much deep wisdom there (how many people learn a lot during the ‘good times’ anyways?)…and so when it comes, I try and use it, rather than collapse (although that has happened too).
This time around, when the un-welcomed pain arrived… I fully fvcking opened to it… in ways that I never have before. And something has happened. Something huge. My entire existence has changed. It’s like The Infinite gave me some new eyeballs. A new lens through which to see the World.
My entire relationship culminated in an “Awakening” of sorts. Right at the very end. It was my second such experience. I will admit, my concept of these experiences themselves is even shattering. I don’t really know what to call them or how to explain them. It’s like Spirit visiting…. Being touched by the Divine Feminine/Masculine… Taking the Red Pill out of the Matrix… Realizing Self, Trauma, Behavior and Presence. A Mystical experience. A result of Men’s work. A mix of everything I’m supposed to learn culminating in a fully felt embodied experience, all at once. I don’t know. Something really unexplainable happens.
When I ‘woke up’ the first time almost a decade ago, it was like waking up to God, The Infinite, and Myself. So it was more just about me- my actions, thoughts, feelings, ways of being, feeling, seeing… I felt connected (or maybe even disconnected, in a beautiful way). I could Trust. I could feel the Unseen. I could see all the magic working in my life, especially if I was just open to it. Nothing was a coincidence anymore. It was like I could see myself & God together for the first time. Inside. And I felt it. I was granted so much peace and understanding in those moments.
This 2nd awakening was that same type of feeling, only the message was different. It was like waking up to myself in Relationship & Connection to everything else- not just myself & God. I woke up to Presence, Connection, Awareness, Depth, Love, Relationship, Purpose…
I cried for 10 hours straight. I have no idea how the body can even create that amount of tears. The sadness and pain I felt ran way deeper than just my experience. It cut so deep that I could feel all of the Feminine’s suffering & pain- within myself & Other. It actually destroyed me. I was on my knees, arms open, rooted and connected, begging forgiveness for all of mine, and the Masculine’s unconscious ways. It’s been Generations of this shyt. I could feel how badly She is starving for Love. Dying to be Seen. Held. Felt. Lead. Honored. And I have been a part of that suffering in the past. My unconscious masculine behavior has shown up in every one of my past relationships. And I couldn’t ever see it… until this Moment arrived.
Why does it take so long to get the message sometimes? Why couldn’t I see it sooner? I guess that’s not really how life works. I could finally see so clearly how I act/experience unconsciously when in relationship with others- friends, family, lovers, animals, really all beings. It all became so specific and clear.
Maybe a good way to explain the experience is that it was like waking up to Consciousness, Awareness & Presence. Like okay, now I can feel everything, AND witness it all. I can be fully in it, and fully see it. And I can play within those realms. I can take my Awareness ANYWHERE. And that way of existing is part of the Masculine/Feminine polarity of the Universe. Go ahead, look at the very center of an Atom. It’s 90% empty space, and then Energy swirling. The Masculine & The Feminine. Right there, in everything. All of us.
And so… I could see how once I get in relationship with a life partner (and especially if we live together in the same home), I would slowly but quickly start to fall asleep. And I couldn’t ever see it once I start snoozing, nonetheless pull myself out of it. This realization was fvcking painful. In this unconscious state of being, I carry so many things that just aren’t mine. I become some messed up mutated mix of how all of my partners acted in relationship, with a mix of traumatized childhood Michael, dying for Love. It’s totally twisted. It disgusts me in ways. In those moments, the lessons cut so deep. I hated how I wasn’t ready/couldn’t see any of this for so long. I’ve fallen asleep and become that mutated weirdo in all of my relationships- and I could never see it. Until now? Why? And it feels like I just stumbled here somehow? I guess it doesn’t matter Why.
I couldn’t recognize how any of my childhood trauma & experiences was showing up in relationship until then. And I didn’t know how to work with it. It sucks- I would end up acting out all the ways my parents existed in relationship- especially in ways like prioritizing everything else in life BUT Love and sharing the depths of my Heart. This realization wrecked me. I fvcking exist for Love. To give Love. Embody Love. Share Love. It’s part of my Purpose. So, existing that way feels terrible.
Another part of my experience felt like an initiation into Sacred Manhood. Not this BS toxic masculine stuff that’s been going on for centuries. There is literally zero initiation into Manhood in 2021. There’s no path. No guides. No playbook. No structure. Even, for example, in some indigenous cultures- initiation to Manhood would look something like surviving a pit of Snakes for 7 days, then boom, make it out alive, and you’re a Man.
So, my examples of what it means to be a Man, Masculine, Lead or Show Up in relationship… or do anything really Sacred growing up…. just doesn’t resonate with my Heart. These examples haven’t really helped me at all. They’ve been more confusing than anything. They haven’t been a good example of how to be a Lover. How to be Present. How to notice my behavior. How to get support around my issues. How to create safe containers for different forms of expression. Even “S3xual Education” classes in school were pretty much a biology class. (Excuse me, there’s way more to S3xuality than human bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces, Mrs. Henderson. Thanks.)
I don’t fault or blame anyone for any of this. It’s just my experience. Hard lessons. Beautiful Truths.
It’s so fascinating to me… I came here to Colorado with the intention to Heal, and I never would have imagined it would look anything like this. This is far from easy. And I can’t just meditate or ecstatic dance my way out of feeling all of this. This is decades and generations of stuff to unpack.
And it so wild to me that it took an entire string of events over the course of the past 3.5 years to wake me up in this way. Right up until there was no more opportunity for repair left, and connection severed. Only THEN, was I gifted new eyes. It’s maybe the biggest BOTH/AND of my life. I’m so grateful for these lessons, and I am fully ripped open. Ouch. Butterfly emerging from the cocoon.
The way my relationship ended, it triggered pretty much all of my unconscious habits, old programming, trauma responses, and reactions in such a toxic way. I found myself having drug cravings for the first time since I can even remember. Heavy Fight/Flight modes. Rapid shifts of emotion full spectrum from Rage to Sadness to Acceptance to Forgiveness to WTF to ???. Anxious ticks. Body shakes/shockwaves. I was chain smoking cigarettes. Bursting out emotion at the wrong/unsafe people (Mini Lesson: I have a Feminine Emotional Body; so I need safe containers to express that way. Or BOOM Sagittarius FIRE BOMB). Scrambling for repair. Hanging on to Hope as a means of survival. No sleep. Barely eating. And I didn’t run from any of my feelings this time around. I welcomed more in. Whatever wanted to arise, I let it.
Who the F started shaming people for feeling and grieving, anyways?
And labeling people with a description that’s like a one-size-fits-all clinically identified emotion?
Going and hiding in a corner until “I work it out alone” does not work well either.
A massive part of what’s been helping shift everything so quickly and meaningfully for me during this time is Men’s Work. What that looks like for me right now involves working with John Wineland in the realms of Masculine/Feminine Polarity, S3xuality, Intimacy, Depth, Purpose, Relationship & Embodiment. It looks like hours of active practice (and by practice I mean things like breathwork, meditation, kundalini, Qigong, prayer, bioenergetics, tantra, taoism…), each day. Every day. Instead of numbing out, I bought like 50 books around spirituality, relationship, communication, shadow work, human design, s3x, love, and intimacy. I’ve been studying, learning, & integrating. I haven’t been distracting myself- but rather deepening. I re-prioritized everything in my life, putting this Work and Love right at the very top again. As it should be. I reached out for support from other Men around my experience- and they showed up like freaking rockstars. I’ve been going to sound healing journeys. Ecstatic Dance. Breathwork circles. Body Work. Ancestral Work. Somatics. Therapy. I’m running up the mountain, and sitting on a rock to meditate for an hour when I get there.
It’s just important that I’m opening, and not hiding and collapsing into a shell.
These practices have allowed me to move so much energy and emotions that has literally been stored in my bones, my DNA, my body… for 30+ years. And it’s important that I’m doing these practices with myself, another human, and in community.
I’ve been noticing feelings and experiences are arising that I totally drowned in my psyche as a child- mostly because they were so painful to deal with at the time. I didn’t have the tools to deal with certain experiences. Feelings & experiences totally unrelated to my breakup have been coming through recently. And it can get confusing in that space- what is what- and then figuring out how to work with all these different things.
And so… I’ve created intentional space just to do this spiritual work and heal all these aspects of my being- so that I can show up more Whole in the World. And I’m doing this work in a very committed, conscious and supported way, for the rest of the year. For the rest of my life.
I’m remembering myself- my presence- my love. Opening to and feeling everything. And it’s changed my life. I’m transforming in such magnificent, meaningful ways. I can see so very differently. It’s borderline psychedelic. Everything I need is right Here. Now. I’ve sat on my couch more than ever before- and not to watch Netflix or numb out. Just to feel. Feel. It. All. To practice. I want to Work with it all right now. It just feels aligned. And if it is all only for the sake of deepening my Love that I get to share with the World- than I am so very grateful for that opportunity.
There is still so much Work to do. Nobody can heal my trauma. Patch up my wounds. I have to do that. It’s my responsibility.
I am not my parents. Some of the parts of them in me have been slowly dying over the years, but now it feels like a mass exorcism. I can’t smoke cigarettes- my father habitually did that. His father did that. I can’t smoke weed, drink alcohol- my stepfather did that, and then he would get abusive. My self-regulation ’ticks’ are from my Mom. The way I react is the way I learned to react as a means of survival from when I was young. Success being more important than Love is not me- it’s how my parents existed in relationship. So many of their/my lineages behaviors have been passed on to me- and it feels almost invasive. Like it’s not really my essence, but it takes me over if I’m not Aware, Grounded, and Connected. If I’m not HERE, NOW, my shadow comes out to play. And I can’t do anything about it or even notice it unless I’m practicing and showing up for myself in my life and relationship different than I have in the past.
So now that I can see all of the ways this stuff shows up in my adult life, I have to work with it. I have to remove it from my ways of being, and then lovely invite it back into my Heart. My Heart can handle all of it. And more.
It just tears me up how much all of this trauma and childhood experiences has impacted my entire life and relationships. I’m thankful I can see it now, work with it, heal it… for my entire family. For all my relationships.
I deeply regret so many things about my past relationships- and I can’t do anything now to change that. Some doors are closed, connections severed. I find myself hanging on to hope in ways, like a fairytale romance… but that’s probably also a trauma response / survival technique from my childhood… and there’s a difference between hanging on to hope in that way, and having hope as a healthy, sacred Masculine adult.
Everything has happened exactly as it needed to, regardless who was at fault, and for a greater purpose. At least for me- I needed to See these things that I couldn’t for so long.
I’m learning. Discovering my own Sacred Masculine and Feminine. Becoming a Man. Healing all of my this trauma and doing all this Men’s Work so that I can shine brighter, step into myself, and become more whole. And I’m not just learning/studying. I’m integrating all of this into my daily life. I seek wisdom and understanding. Depth and openness. Not just knowledge.
Living this intentional way is hard, but living and experiencing unconsciously is so much harder.
In ways this experience has been a giant paradox. My ex-partner was showing me so much of this work and ways of being… These ways of looking at the world, Women, Myself, S3x, Relationship, etc…. that I never knew existed. She was showing me for a while now. And yet because I became a sleeping little boy, I would put so much of this Work on a shelf for later- and worry about other things besides Love and Connection- just like my parents existed.
It’s been especially hard to do some of this work after the breakup, because so much of it is about relationship. And now that I’m fully committed, She is gone. It’s hard to do some practices without a partner. And when I do, I find myself imagining her being there some times. More hard lessons- I had the opportunity to practice with her, and I didn’t Show Up.
I get so mad at myself that I couldn’t see all of this until it was over. Until the very end. And now, the only amends I can make are through my actions and ways of being moving forward. And carry these lessons with me everywhere I go, into every new experience, every future and current relationship or connection.
I miss the way she made me feel. And I’m remembering again that I can give that to myself first. I have to. All the love and nourishment I need in life doesn’t require a partner.
So… what’s next? Continuing down this road. Deepening. Shedding these toxic layers. Becoming more Whole. Stepping more fully into Manhood. Stepping into my true-self. Living attuned, and from a place of deep Presence and Love. Deep Purpose. Remembering to be Here. Now. I will read. I will write. I will practice. I will make Art. I will be falling deeper and deeper into just Being. It’s so simple when I zoom out.
In becoming more fully realized, I want to be ready for my next relationship, and carry the depths of my love into every connection, any new experiences- for the rest of my life. Only the deepest Presence and Love is what I am meant to radiate in connection. This is my Sacred Vow.
And then… help people through sharing and supporting- as a means of Sacred Service. Not as a business model. It’s about Love and Humanity for me. And that doesn’t involve money. There’s billions of people who are still sleeping, just like I was. And all of this is Human. Not psychotic, abnormal, or weird. It’s utterly Human, to FEEL. We’re not alone in our experiences.
The details and specifics of what’s been happening over the past few months don’t matter too much to me anymore. I’m so deeply regretful of so many things that happened, and there’s no more opportunity for repair except through my actions moving forward. These lessons have been so hard, but they are changing and healing myself and generations of people.
This all feels like it’s the only thing really left for me to do now with my life. I don’t need anything else. Just Love, Depth and Aliveness.
My entire life has changed. I will always have this Work to do. I’m trusting my life. Everything has a Purpose. A purpose. A purpose. I don’t need or want anything- I can give it all to myself. I am living my life out of Love again.
So… here is a picture of a Rose that I just finished painting. I should have finished painted this a long time ago. It was on the shelf along with everything else aligned with my Heart. And it was emotionally difficult to paint through, but it helped me work through and feel a lot of this stuff in my share.
This painting carries so much meaning and special energy. It serves as timeless marker of powerful changes swirling in the Universe. In both myself, in relationship, and with the Masculine/Feminine. At it’s core, it is a reflection of my deep reverence, honor and love for Her, and the Sacred Feminine. Her essence. It’s a symbol of Love.
Thank you for these lessons, these new eyes, and new hope, Lord Universe. I’m so grateful. The World looks so wonderfully different now.
And so it is.
Thank you for reading.
From my Heart <3